The "Stereotypical" Canadian...in one shot. Play ball! I wanted everything. My style is more of a slapping thing. I'm a thinking man, a cerebral man. You gotta think! If you’re not thinking, you’re nowhere! An Ottoman, recliner, a small sectional. Not a large sectional…it’s not a circus. When a man takes on his heroes, he becomes the greatest hero of all. ... Yeah – you guys all know Dan, right? Wow, that's Mike Myers! I thought to myself, I wanna die. There’s always someone who times it really badly. Went to the hydro field and drank a Scarborough suitcase. Ha ha, look at the Canadian! The important thing, is you with the hat on. He was our Prime Minister during the Conscription Crisis. That’s a reference for people who are born before 1963. It’s the flyer-man! He promised me he wouldn’t this time! Sporting a pair of snot popsicles...and that’s your fancy city living! I would, but I got no feeling in my fingers!!

START SHOW INT. ELGIN THEATRE O’BRIEN: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! That’s nice, wow. Alright, alright, whoa baby. Thank you. Thank you very much everybody! Keep cool! Keep cool my babies! We got to go! Thank you very much! Ha ha, you guys…yeah! YEAH! I am really sorry I did that. Alright now thank you very much. Keep cool my Canadian babies! You gotta keep cool! Thank you so much for that! That was, uh, that was weird. That was inappropriate. FAN: I love you Conan! O’BRIEN: Thanks, I love you too sir. That’s great, listen, ha ha ha and it’s legal here. Now listen, the important thing, I wanna thank you all, first of all very much for that welcome. That was great. It is great – FAN: You’re my hero! O’BRIEN: You’re my hero…oh wait, no you’re not. Uh, I took a hard look. Great to be here, this is amazing, great to be here in Canada. Thank you very much, this is great, fantastic, let me tell you something. I tell you this is the only country, the only country in the world, where people will come up to me and say, “Man, I thought I was white.” Very different here in Canada than in the United States, lot of differences, for example, this is true, in Canada, rapper 50 Cent is known as 75 Cent. So, little exchange rate there. Fans go crazy, so Conan begins to imitate fans in hyper, loud voice. You know, it was alright, don’t cheer it like that. “THAT WAS AWESOME WHAT HE DID! HE TOOK THE EXCHANGE RATE, AND THEN HE DID…” Just settle down! I see we have some teenage fans here, this is interesting, in a new poll, 54% of Canadian teenagers say that they use marijuana. And listen to this, yeah, the other 46% say that they grow marijuana, so, there’s a “coming together.” Points to audience member cheering for marijuana. Ha ha, that was for you guy. Of course, there’s a lot…thank you…there’s a lot going on back in the States right now. President Bush keeping very busy, yeah. Audience boos at mention of Bush. Hey, that’s my president you’re messing with, alright? I’ll come out there, and…nothing will happen. Now, uh, *laughs* we’ll get a beer. No, uh, during his, no this is true. During his recent interview on Meet The Press, I don’t know if you saw this, but President Bush said, this is a quote, “I don’t think America can stand by, and hope for the best from a madman.” That’s what he said. Yeah, the weird thing is, he was talking about Don Cherry. Yeah, that sound you hear right now is no one in the United States getting that. Right now everywhere, TV’s turning- FAN: I love you Conan! O’BRIEN: Yes, ho ho ho, yeah. You know as I said earlier it’s great to be here in Toronto, which by the way, I mentioned this, has become one of the most popular spots in the world for gay men to get married. Conan points to fan who proclaimed he loved him. Congratulations! Yeah, no it’s true! It’s legal now! It’s legal! No we’re all verrry happy for you, ha ha ha! Conan suddenly stops laughing, and puts on a very serious face. No, it’s legal here, yeah, which makes sense, because your city’s most famous symbol is an 1800 foot penis, right here. Points to backdrop, including a painting of the CN Tower. Check it out! Look at that thing! Now you know, the last thing that I want to do while I’m in Toronto, the very last thing that I want to do, is spend the whole week re-hashing tired old Canadian stereotypes. I don’t wanna do that, you don’t want it, I don’t wanna do it, so I think the best thing to do, is get all the stereotypes out of the way in one thrilling moment! Please welcome the embodiment of every Canadian stereotype, the hockey-playing mountie with a back bacon hockey stick who lives in a beer can igloo and loves Rush! A Mountie skates out on rollerblades to “Tom Sawyer” by Rush, laps around the beer-can igloo, and skates off the stage. Conan points at the beer-can igloo. O’BRIEN: This actually can be used for shelter, so we’re not gonna waste that. Alright, there are many amazing sights here in the city of Toronto, just amazing ones. This morning, I wanted to take a walk around, so I took a walk and I walked past SkyDome, I did. Home of the Toronto Blue Jays, and, uh, yeah, SkyDome of course is famous for its retractable roof. Yeah, it’s an amazing feat of engineering. In fact, our announcer, Joel Godard, there he is, hello Joel, give it up for Joel right there. Points to Godard on the balcony. Our announcer Joel was so impressed with SkyDome, that he had an operation yesterday, to install his own retractable Sky Head. Isn’t that right, Joel? GODARD: Check it out! Godard pulls out a switch, clicks a button, and his skull retracts to reveal his brain. Play ball! O’BRIEN: Nice job! Very nice. Well, man, as evidence by this crowd, you can tell at home that Canadians are a fiery, passionate people, they are. And nothing, nothing gets their Latino blood boiling - Conan rolls his eyes, then begins to laugh. I’m just throwing stuff out there. Nothing makes that blood boil more than hockey. Well, unfortunately, I’m a bit of a stranger to this exotic game. So I thought, I should pay a visit to the local team, the great Toronto Maple Leafs, and see what I could learn. And ladies and gentlemen, I learned a lot. Take a look. INT. TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS DRESSING ROOM, LAKESHORE LIONS ARENA Conan shown putting on garter belt, as Conan's voice speaks in the background. O’BRIEN: It was finally here. Conan shown putting on socks, and kneepads under the socks. The day I had waited for, prepared for. Conan shown putting on suspenders, undershirt, lacing skates. The day I would train with the Toronto Maple Leafs. Clip of Ken Klee scoring against Carolina Hurricanes goaltender Jamie Storr is shown. Today, I would skate alongside defender Ken Klee, Clip of Tom Fitzgerald scoring against Minnesota Wild goaltender Dwayne Roloson shown. right wing Tom Fitzgerald, Clip of Trevor Kidd stopping shot against Atlanta Thrashers centre Patrik Stefan shown. goalie Trevor Kidd, Clip of Tie Domi checking Boston Bruins defenseman Jonathan Girard into the boards. and Tie Domi, the enforcer. One of the most intimidating brawlers in the history of the NHL. Conan is shown in full hockey gear, doing pushups. I wanted everything. Conan is shown standing in the dressing room, addressing all four players, sitting down. Let me tell you something, I want to talk to you a little bit about hockey. Hockey was never my sport, I’ll be honest. I like Nerf sports, mostly, things that you can do in an office space, sitting. Never really got into hockey, but I think I can learn it pretty quickly. I’m pretty sure that within the hour, I’ll be the best hockey player here. Tie, come here for a second, let’s talk about fighting, alright? Domi stands up and comes over to Conan. Let’s just say, you’ve got a problem with me, I got a problem with you. How would you come at me? Just show me what you’d do. Domi blows on his hand, and begins to laugh at Conan. Conan begins screaming at Domi. BIG MISTAKE! BIG MISTAKE! DOMI: Well this is the best way. Domi grabs Conan’s collar. O’BRIEN: Show me in slow motion what you do. DOMI: Okay, you have the jersey, right? O’BRIEN: Slow motion now. Yeah, yeah, you got the jersey, yeah. DOMI: You keep your arm here. Domi keeps his left arm on Conan’s collar, and has his right arm held behind him. O’BRIEN: Keep the arm there, right. DOMI: Keep this hand here… Domi begins to jab Conan’s chin with his left hand. I don’t really have to look, I can just hit you like that. O’BRIEN: Right like that? And then just bring it right across. DOMI: Right. O’BRIEN: My style, is more of a slapping thing. Conan begins to make girlish slapping movements at Domi. I slap, and then I bend my elbows, and I slap. Conan gets into an idiotic karate stance. “You’ve made a big mistake,” and I’d do this…does anybody do this anymore? Conan then addresses all four players. I just wanna show you some of the equipment I’ve brought. Conan reaches into a box, and pulls out a skate with training blades on it. I’m not an expert skater, so I had this made. I want you guys to tell me what you think. It’s a special skate that I use exclusively, uh, for balance. I use this, and then to stop, I have a rock tied to a rope, so I just throw that behind me and it slows me down. Conan puts on an oversized hockey helmet. I’m just curious, what you guys think of this. Would this go over well? I’ve gotta protect the head...I’m a thinking man, a cerebral man. Conan is shown talking to Kidd, pretending to be skating towards him. You see those skates, and this helmet, coming at you, tell me, this is a nightmare for you, isn’t it? Coming right at you! KIDD: I’d be laughing my ass off, that’s for sure. O’BRIEN: Yeah you’d be laughing, and that would distract you, and I’d whip that puck in. Probably 11 miles an hour, but I’d still get it in because you’d be busy laughing. INT. MAPLE LEAFS PRACTICE RINK, LAKESHORE LIONS ARENA Conan and the Leafs take to the ice. He is shown trying to take passes, handle the puck, and just generally stay on his feet, as Dr. Feelgood's “(Got My) Mojo Working” plays in the background. O’BRIEN: Where’d it go? I didn’t even see it. That went through my stick! Ken Klee teaches Conan how to shoot. KLEE: You’ve got the puck here, right in the middle, right between your feet. Bring your stick back to about here for a slapper. Right about here, look where you’re gonna shoot, keep it up, yup. Conan shoots, and hits the side of the net. There you go! You got it, almost. O’BRIEN: I took a shot, but not actually at goal, because he’s expecting that. I shoot away from the goal, where he’s not defending. KLEE: Hope to hit someone else. O’BRIEN: Pretty smart. Conan shoots again, and the puck hits the middle of Kidd’s stick blade. Where’d that go? Kidd kicks the puck back to Conan. Oh...that was like a magic trick! You’re gonna take it out from behind your ear. Conan begins shooting a line of pucks at Kidd, but eventually gives up and just throws a bucket of pucks past Kidd into the net. You guys gotta think! If you’re not thinking, you’re nowhere! Conan compares the regular NHL net with his own net with the Leafs. Guys, as we all know, scoring is difficult. This is the approved NHL 4 by 6 hockey net. I give you the Conan net right here, which will revolutionize the game. Bigger scores, more attendance. In this version of the game, the goalie on odd numbered nights would be allowed to have a piece of furniture with him to help. An Ottoman, recliner, a small sectional. Not a large sectional…it’s not a circus. The Leafs begin taking shots on the Conan net, while Conan tries to defend with a small chair. Conan then does some skating drills with the Leafs. That was way too much turning, you’ll never use that in a game! That’s the problem with hockey: too much turning, fans lose interest. Conan is shown in the corner with the puck, laughing at the Leafs as they charge towards him for a check. No, NO! OW! OW! Conan calls the Leafs in for a chat. Domi returns Conan’s stick. Get in here. DOMI: There you go, coach. O’BRIEN: Alright guys, I’m not liking what I’m seeing. You’re doggin it, what’s the problem? You don’t seem to care. You’ve lost interest in the game. FITZGERALD: I’ve gotten tired. O’BRIEN: You’re tired? Tired’s for babies, babies take naps. What are you doing? You call that a slapshot? My grandmother throws harder, she’s been dead for 20 years. What about you? What’s your story? DOMI: I’m just following you Americans. O’BRIEN: What’s your f*@!ing story? Conan drops his stick and challenges Domi to a fight. Come on, come on! Come on! Come on! Come on little baby! Domi grabs Conan and takes him down. Stop it! Oh god! No! No! Stop it! Oh god! Domi, Klee and Fitzgerald are shown gracefully skating to centre ice, while Conan struggles behind, and eventually passes them, unable to stop himself. Conan's voice speaks in the background. I have learned all I could from these brave Maple Leafs. I’ve won their respect, and mastered their game. I guess sometimes when a man takes on his heroes, he becomes the greatest hero of all. The Leafs push Conan on the couch across the ice, while Conan hoists an inflatable Stanley Cup, as O Canada plays in the background. INT. ELGIN THEATRE It was a great time, I showed them. Alright, first of all, my thanks, my profound thanks to the guys on the Maple Leafs, they were terrific, it was very nice of them to help us out. We’ll take a break, when we come back, Mike Myers is here, stick around, for that show! COMMERICAL BREAK- Toronto skyline is shown from Toronto Island. Owww! Alright everybody, we are back! Aww, ain’t that nice? Thank you very much! What an amazing crowd we have here, a terrific crowd, the Canadian Parliament is with us right now, I wanna thank them for being up in the box there. Four random guys are shown in a box. Now, you know, during the show, I always like to take a moment for a quick chat with our band leader, Max Weinberg, and since we’re here in Canada, I thought what better way to do it, than with an official Canadian Small Talk Moment. CANADIAN SMALL TALK MOMENT- Conan & Max both throw on Team Canada hats. WEINBERG: Hey Conan, how bout that new mayor of Toronto? O’BRIEN: Ha ha yeah, well Miller’s okay. I like his citizen sessions and the way he stood up to those airport contractors. I’d like to take him over to the Alliance Party any day of the week, but I think Mel Lastman deserved another chance. WEINBERG: Yeah, yeah, Lastman’s great, if you want to amalgamate the boroughs. But that just leads to more layoffs in North York and Scarborough. Of course, with that they’ll end up putting Steven Harper in the PMC. Then you’ve got Manitoba all over again. Conan and Max each exchange blank stares to end the CANADIAN SMALL TALK MOMENT. O’BRIEN: He’s right. Well my first guest tonight has starred in four number one movies in a row, that’s hard to do. Each opening at over $40 million, all going on to earn over $100 million, none of which he has given to me. Please welcome Canada’s own, Mike Myers! MYERS: Whooooo! Go Leafs Go! Go Leafs Go! O’BRIEN: Yes, it’s an emotional moment. MYERS: Good to be home, good to be home. O’BRIEN: Hello. How are ya? I bow to you. MYERS: I bow to you. O’BRIEN: Please have a seat, Mike. Good to have you here. Have a seat. Now of course, that was very emotional when you came out, I thought. MYERS: Yeah…take off my shirt? O’BRIEN: You know, speaking of which, I don’t think they can see – MYERS: Hold on…you first! Whoo! O’BRIEN: When you came running out, your pants started to fall down. Did you notice that in the back? MYERS: I happen to have lost a little weight, so… O’BRIEN: Nice! You look fantastic, you look great. MYERS: Thank you. O’BRIEN: Now is that a, you’ve got a Maple Leafs pin right there? MYERS: Yeah, I have to make a shout out to WHOO, I say I have to make a shout out to WHOO. I have to make a shout out to Dan in Norland, Ontario who works at an Esso Station. Yeah – you guys all know him, right? He’s a Leaf fan, and he gave me this pin and said, “Hey Mike, next time your on a TV show tell ‘em I gave you the pin.” So Dan, I kept my promise! O’BRIEN: Wow… MYERS: Dan, I kept it…for you! O’BRIEN: You know, my point is, if this show can make just one person happy…that’s really not enough people. It’s a really bad idea for a show. MYERS: I think what it is…I think the show just makes one people happy. O’BRIEN: Yeah, exactly. MYERS: Sad truth, really. O’BRIEN: Now, umm, it’s an interesting thing, you know, seeing a Canadian come back to his home turf like that. It’s really powerful. MYERS: It’s called being in God’s country Conan, get used to it. O’BRIEN: Is this how all the – MYERS: The air is just a little more pure up here, isn’t it? O’BRIEN: It is very pure up here, yeah. MYERS: Just a little better, isn’t it, Yankee boy? Feels so good, it feels so good! Feels so good not to be the foreigner for once. O’BRIEN: Yeah, that’s very nice. Now, do all Canadians – MYERS: Having said that, thank you very much for coming up to Toronto. It’s very lovely. O’BRIEN: Oh, that’s very good of you. We actually in fairness, we’ve had this desk for years, and we had to come up here to get some use out of it. MYERS: I don’t understand…it’s all income tax… O’BRIEN: I just like leaves. Now, how do Canadian fans, you know, how do they treat, like, do all celebrities get this kind of star treatment, do you think? MYERS: Uh, I don’t know, it’s awfully overwhelming, awfully nice, uh, people are insanely lovely to me here, and uh, I feel very much at home, and very much, like, I’ll ride on the subway, and you know, people come up to me and go, “Hey, how bout that Cujo trade?” And, you know what I mean? It’s not, “Wow, that’s Mike Myers! I can’t believe it!” It’s always like, “Yup, seeing your mum, Mike?” Yeah. O’BRIEN: That’s very nice. There’s like a nice – MYERS: “Have a good Christmas!” So it’s, but then, there are sometimes people who really kind of, they just really kind of, it’s getting a little scary. O’BRIEN: How does it get scary? Now, what do you mean it gets scary? MYERS: Well, I remember, this is kind of a personal story, you ready for it? Well, I was coming home from the Leaf game - O’BRIEN: Yeah. MYERS: And I’d had a back bacon on a bun, eh? O’BRIEN: I’m loving this story already! What are you talking about? MYERS: I know, it’s…and it kinda didn’t agree with me. O’BRIEN: Oh. MYERS: And, uh, so, I’m driving home, and, you know, when like, and I have to go to the bathroom, but not the un-serious kind, but the serious kind. O’BRIEN: Right. MYERS: And, uh, and I thought you know when it’s like it’s gonna be serious and it’s urgent you kind of make a deal with your body, and you go, “You know what? Just get me to the hotel! Just get me to the hotel!” That didn’t happen this time! And, uh, yeah. No, I had to go to a restaurant real quick, and there was a guy in the bathroom in the restaurant, who was like, “there’s Mike Myers!” And I was like, “yeah, hi.” So I started the wait out. I went into the stall and hoped that he would leave. O’BRIEN: Right. A little privacy you wanted, that’s all. MYERS: He didn’t leave. And, he started to talk to me, and things were happening. And, uh, he was like, “Mike, I’m such a great fan, eh?” And I’m like, “that’s great.” And then I, well, these other things were happening. And he said, “What are you working on?” I thought, “You know? You really wanna have this inside the bathroom studio conversation with me?” And I said, “Uh, you know, Shrek 2 and stuff…” And then, more stuff happened, and he said something to me, and I swear to god, he said, “What else do you have comin’ out, Mike?” Yeah. Then I thought to myself, “I wanna die.” O’BRIEN: Yeah. What a heartwarming tale. MYERS: Yeah. But it’s, you know, it’s great. I mean, Toronto people are great, you won’t get better people and they just, love you and I love them and I love comin up and seeing the Leafs, and – FAN: We love you Mike! MYERS: Thank you. I love you guys, yes. O’BRIEN: You know, we’re going to take that opportunity, we’re going to take a little break right now, have a commercial, we’ll be right back, more with Mr. Mike Myers, so stick around. COMMERCIAL BREAK- King Street West restaurant area, just west of John Street, is shown. O’BRIEN: Hello everybody, we’re back. I’m sitting here with Mr. Mike Myers. MYERS: WHOOOO! O’BRIEN: OWWW! Now - MYERS: WHOO! O’BRIEN: OWW! MYERS: WHOO! O’BRIEN: WHOO! Uh – MYERS: AWHOO! Sorry. O’BRIEN: There’s always someone who times it really badly, when everyone else is quiet. Just goes “whoo-uhhh.” MYERS: Too bad for me. O’BRIEN: Uh, I wanna ask you something. We have a great line up this week. Friday, from Will & Grace, Eric McCormack is gonna be here, and someone told me, just a couple of hours ago, that you went to school with him. Myers puts on his best stereotypical Canadian voice. MYERS: Yes, I went to, I was out in Scarborough, I um, yup. Yeah, I was between drinking a 12 out in the hydro field, I got myself a Scarborough suitcase, um, goin to the Tim Horton’s – O’BRIEN: I need a little translator in a box over here. MYERS: Buddy of mine, we just played Risk and he honked on Europe, then we went over to Canadian Tire, we got some donuts and went to the hydro field and drank a Scarborough suitcase. O’BRIEN: I’m afraid I don’t understand…I’m just trying to decipher it. MYERS: Yes, well what I said was, I studied Latin as a child. O’BRIEN: Nice! MYERS: No, I was in, uh, I went to Stephen Leacock, and I went to MacDonald, yeah. And, uh, at MacDonald, in my homeroom was Eric McCormack, and I had actually been to public school with him, I had been to. I get to say been, and not be made fun of. O’BRIEN: Ha ha, you said been! Oh, I’m outnumbered…sorry. Just realized I’m in a room with - MYERS: Wrong side of the border… O’BRIEN: Ha ha, look at the Canadian! Conan then turns to the audience and gasps, knowing a beating awaits. O’BRIEN: Not good…NOT GOOD! MYERS: No, it’s because they’re big, hockey players. You, American, punch! Um, Eric McLeod, Eric McCormack, not Eric McLeod, that’s somebody different – O’BRIEN: That’s Gavin McLeod’s son. MYERS: Yeah, that’s Gavin McLeod’s son…Eric McCormack and I, and uh, Elton John’s self-described wife, David Furnish, were all in…so I was at an Oscar party, David Furnish, Elton John’s husband. O’BRIEN: Right. MYERS: He was, uh, in the same class, and I was at an Oscar Party, and Elton John, I go, “Oh, there’s Elton John,” and he goes, “I’ve been looking for you.” And I go, “What?” He goes, “I’ve got someone you want to meet.” And he comes over and he grabs me, and I’m going, “Elton John just grabbed me, Robin, what’s going on here? What’s going on?” He grabs me, and then, there’s David Furnish, and he’s like, “Hey Mike, how’s it going?” Yeah, he’s got the thickest Scarborough accent in the world. And, and, I’m sitting there going, “That’s hilarious…it looks like Elton John’s boyfriend is…David Furnish!” And he goes, “Yeah, how’s Davey McKenzie, your best friend? And, uh, Eric McCormack’s at the party, can you believe it? I’ll bet the whole time out in Scarborough you didn’t know I was gay, eh?” O’BRIEN: He wasn’t voted most likely. MYERS: I said, “Uh, I didn’t…” “I’ll bet you didn’t think that I’d be married to Elton!” And I said, “No! Didn’t see that one coming.” “You’re in the movies, he’s on TV, I’m married to Elton.” And that’s my David Furnish story. O’BRIEN: Now, I uh, I wanna ask you about – I wanna ask you – Myers makes a closing curtain motion to end the David Furnish story. And, little curtain. Eew eew eew. MYERS: And curtain. Tear. O’BRIEN: Uh, I wanna ask you about, you know, I’ve seen the city, I’ve seen the city of Toronto, but a lot of people have been saying to me, we don’t have more, we’ve been spending a lot of time working on the show, I don’t have a lot of time to travel around, they told me you gotta go north of Toronto. There’s some great areas north of Toronto. Is that true? MYERS: Yes, beautiful. Um, one day I – FAN: THE SOO! MYERS: The Soo? The Soo! Sudbury Big Nickel country! Um, I love north of Toronto. One day I will own a cottage. Right now I just couch surf all my different friends who actually got it together to get a cottage, and uh, I’ve been up to, I mentioned McKeck’s, right, up in Haliburton? Yeah yeah, Walt McKechnie, the great hockey player, has a place called McKeck’s, its up in Haliburton, it’s the best – O’BRIEN: You know, this is shown in the States. We’re going to edit in all American references for this. MYERS: Yes, thank you. O’BRIEN: And it’s gonna be a voice that doesn’t match yours at all. MYERS: So, so I go up there, and the entire town of Haliburton, Ontario, uh, decides to adopt me. I was just going there on a couple of day trips, and I had a friend who has a cottage near by. And they were the nicest, I just felt like I was the honourary mayor of Haliburton, and they’re just, and that’s the Canadian thing, they just love you, they just come and accept you and bathe you, and raise you as one of their own. And, uh, I went into this one place called The Kosy Korner in Haliburton, and uh, I had back bacon on a bun, if the stereotype couldn’t be complete. And then, they said, “Mike, would you take a picture?” and I said, “Sure, sure.” And then they said, “Would you take a picture with this hat on?” I said, “I’ve got a hat on.” And they said, “No, no, this elf hat that has ears.” And so I said, “Okay, sure.” So I put this hat on, I didn’t care, I said, “Just make sure this doesn’t get in the paper.” And, well, it ended up in the paper. Do you have it? O’BRIEN: Yeah, it’s right here, actually. This is the front page of the paper, actually. Conan holds up a copy of the Haliburton County Echo newspaper, with Myers’ picture on the cover, signed to “Janet.” That’s very nice. MYERS: It’s great. What I like about it is in that spot that’s like “Saddam Caught,” you know, “Dewey Defeats Truman,” you know? It’s in that spot, you know, and you were saying before there’s a little mention here about al-Qaeda, but mostly – O’BRIEN: Mostly, this is the big story. Right up here. The important thing, is you with the hat on. MYERS: I went to The Kosy Korner twice in a row. O’BRIEN: You know one of the things that I admire so much about this country, and there are many things, but the money here is beautiful. In the States, we have, just, you know, the green money. Here you’ve got different colours, beautiful different symbols, and you told me that the currency can do so much more. MYERS: The currency is very, very versatile. Do you have some? O’BRIEN: I have a giant – you asked us to get this. Conan pulls out a blown-up Canadian five dollar bill from behind his desk. MYERS: I’ll show you. You guys know what Spock 5 is, right? O’BRIEN: Cause no one knows what this is actually, so it’s up to you – Myers pulls out a marker and begins to draw on the bill. MYERS: Yeah, cause I wanna teach our American friends something you can do, like, say you go to a bar, and you say, “I’ll met you at 8:00,” and the guy shines you, and you’re just sitting there waiting, you can take a five, and you can turn it into – take Sir Wilfrid Laurier, and turn him into Spock. O’BRIEN: Ha ha…that’s very nice. This is… MYERS: He was our Prime Minister during the Conscription Crisis. This is a Canadian minute, brought to you by Mike Myers. O’BRIEN: Wow. Yeah. MYERS: Sir Wilfrid Laurier. O’BRIEN: You’ve got a lot of time on your hands. And look, they’re playing hockey on the back. MYERS: They’re playing hockey – O’BRIEN: That’s so nice. Myers turns the bill over, and draws on the picture of Canadian children playing hockey. MYERS: See, there’s the puck, he’s gonna pass it over to that person. This guy’s gonna turn around here. O’BRIEN: Wow! Look at that! That’s incredible! MYERS: This is my version of Howie Meeker’s hockey school. That’s a reference for people who are born, before 1963. O’BRIEN: Well, I tell you, we’re changing all the references for the States. MYERS: Thank you. O’BRIEN: And the voice will not match. MYERS: Cause you don’t want this to be uniquely Canadian, you want this to be - O’BRIEN: Oh god no! Ha ha ha ha… Conan then turns to the audience and gasps again, knowing another beating awaits. You know, uh, just on a serious note, I know that this meant a lot to everybody here in this town, and in Canada that you came by, and made time for us on this show. It’s a very cool thing - MYERS: Oh no, my pleasure. Thank you for coming. Thank you. O’BRIEN: You’ve done so well, I know everybody here is very proud of you. MYERS: I love coming to Toronto every chance I can get. O’BRIEN: Alright, well next time we come, I hope you can come back. MYERS: I definitely will. You have a date. FAN: MIKEY! MYERS: Yes! O’BRIEN: That was inappropriate! MYERS: Bla Bleu! Bla Bleu! I love you! WHOO! O’BRIEN: That guy just realized that you were here. The guy’s saying, “That’s Mike Myers!” MYERS: There’s a guy lit up. O’BRIEN: Oh yeah. Oh he’s lit up, isn’t that nice? Oh wow. MYERS: Yes. And now he’s on fire! O’BRIEN: Oh yeah. Camera pans to the man in the audience Myers & Conan have been pointing at, wearing lights. MYERS: Stay right there sir! O’BRIEN: Stay there, don’t get hurt! MYERS: It’s the flyer-man! Excellent, that’s great. O’BRIEN: That’s nice. And now he’s being beaten by security. MYERS: Ooh, ooh! O’BRIEN: Hey Mike, thank you very much. MYERS: Thank you so much. O’BRIEN: God love you. Mike Myers everyone! Ron James coming up, we’ll take a break, we’ll be right back. COMMERCIAL BREAK Alright everybody, we are back, it’s all good. Ladies and gentlemen, I gotta mention, very briefly, a fine show tonight, we got a fine show coming up tomorrow night, and this is I think the best line-up – we had to come to Toronto to do it, but the best line-up we’ve ever had in our ten years on the air. Tomorrow night Michael J. Fox is going to be here, we also have, I’ve been after this guy for a long time, world champion moose caller Ken Capling is gonna be here…finally is right! And then musical guest – Capling’s always giving me the slip, but not this time! – and then musical guest Nickelback. That’s a good show. I swear by that show. You know, before we go any further, I do want to introduce someone who’s very special, who’s joining us in the audience tonight. He had a little trouble getting his passport, he finally made it to Toronto. Please welcome our old friend, the Masturbating Bear. Camera shows the Masturbating Bear on the balcony, who begins to, well, masturbate. NO! NO! NO! Alright, you’ve made your point. He promised me he wouldn’t this time! We’ll take a break, when we come back, Ron James is here! Stick around, we’ll see you in a second. COMMERCIAL BREAK Hello everybody, we’re back. My next guest, is one of Canada’s funniest comedians, who did a television special from this very stage. Please welcome Ron James. JAMES: Well, well, thanks for dropping by Conan. Boy oh boy, huh, Canadians are impressed if Americans can just find us on a map! Let alone shooting your show door in February’s dark and ignorant dirge. Geez, you’re a brave man, buddy. This is the time of year our nerves are cabin fever-chewed to the geisly nub! When the slightest cause for celebration is, “Look, it’s 10 after 6 and it’s not even dark yet!” Sure, I’ve seen packs of wolves pick off rush-hour stragglers in the urban core! If you miss the carpool pile, you’re just another link in the food chain! Yeah, that’s our life for seven months of the year really…stumbling face-first into a hypothermic cattle-killing blizzard. Layered in enough high-tech heat-trapping thermal wear to support an Amazonian ecosystem! While sporting a pair of snot popsicles! And that’s your fancy city living! I’ve played lonesome sentinels at the far points of frontier, up by the shores of Lake Windagustaguin, near the Kujabougawack where the Kitchita-wichity-whack-amattack runs stick with pickerel in spring! 500 people in a town, two last names. Sure, you stay in Canadian show business long enough, there’s plenty of perks! They’re having me back for the big Smelt Festival in May! Oh boy, I’m telling you, driving 2-lane roads up there, that in the blink of an eye I could become a snow-crusted goat path the Taliban refugee with a winning lottery ticket wouldn’t cross! Where as your blue skies curtain the tablet of forever white, and all around the wind is howling like a whore at the clinic. Oh yeah it’s not just jokes, its poetry here too, huh? I’m living the dream, daddy-o, staying in skunky highway motels, shaggin’ shacks Norman Bates wouldn’t run. With complimentary coffee, right – if that coffee’s a compliment, then my wake-up call must be a kick in the nuts! And the food, oh! They handed me – Fan screams something out. Yessiree! – God bless you, I’m glad you’re out of the home for the afternoon! And the food! Dear god, they handed me a calcified bun, hard as the hobs of hell, stale, this thing came off the table at the Last Supper! And in the middle was a slice of ham so thin the pig never even felt it coming off his arse! Bed sheets are no better, held mine up to the lights, saw the face of Jesus in them! But no matter where you roam, one thing’s for sure in Canada; ah, hockey is religion here. Sure, we’re the only country in the world who’s national heroes have three teeth in their head, a face full of stitches and makes their living with a stick! And that’s the women’s team! Not a big military power though, are we? Nope! No, my American friends ask, “How come you didn’t come to war with us in Iraq?” You need weapons for that, don’t you? Our fleet of helicopters are 40 year old broken Cold War relics, used for chasing Commie submarines, just as well they didn’t work; the war was in the desert! We’re just not a nation of warriors, I guess, are we, huh? Look at our history. Our west wasn’t won with six guns blazing; you can’t pull a Colt 45 from your holster at high noon during a minus 57 Winnipeg wind chill. “Draw!” “I would, but I got no feeling in my fingers!” Guns are everywhere though, just last week a fella told me he’d give me my own little semi-automatic pistol, I could keep it in a box by my bed for home protection, with a fluorescent combination only I would know. Oh, only I’d know the combination! Family’s sleeping in safety’s arms now! I couldn’t remember the combination to my high school locker after Christmas vacation! How am I gonna remember that at 4 in the morning with a head full of sleep? “Huh! There’s a guy at the foot of the bed with a bat and a bellaclava! Quick honey, what’s the combination?” Course the guns have been part of American history since they won. Fought the British during the Revolutionary War and won. Course, America had an advantage: the Brits were wearing red. Boy, there’s a colour that blends in well with the forest, now? “Over here, kill me, over here!” Thanks a lot, you’ve been great! O’BRIEN: Thank you for helping us out. Ron James everybody! We’ll take a break, we’ll be right back. Stick around. COMMERCIAL BREAK Alright everybody… Conan points to necklace given to him by a fan. I got a present! Thank you. Alright, that is our show, I wanna thank Mike Myers, Ron James, the Toronto Maple Leafs, uh, stay tuned. This week, we have Michael J. Fox, Nickelback, Barenaked Ladies, Adam Sandler, Eric McCormack, Jim Carrey, stay tuned, thank you Toronto, we’ll see you tomorrow! Bye bye everybody! Go Max! END SHOW CLOSING CREDITS EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Lorne Michaels EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Jeff Ross PRODUCER: Tracy King DIRECTED BY: Allan Kartun HEAD WRITER: Mike Sweeney WRITTEN BY: Chris Albers, Jose Arroyo, Andy Blitz, Kevin Dorff, Daniel J. Goor, Michael Gordon, Brian Kiley, Michael Koman, Demetri Martin, Brian McCann, Guy Nicolucci, Conan O’Brien, Allison Silverman, Brian Stack, Andrew Weinberg ADDITIONAL MATERIAL BY: Frank Smiley EQUIPMENT FURNISHED BY: Dolby Laboratories, Inc. A Conaco, Broadway Video and NBC Studios production