WHEN WILL I GO WHOO!?! The only fair way to settle the tower battle. The lunch time crowd. A match made in heaven? Together, they're sort of the penis and the vagina of Toronto. I’d like to just punch his lights out. 950 millilitres! That’s over 40 gallons of beer! Whoaaa! I won! Yeah, a typical Toronto bar. I WON THE CONIE! ... Hey, Canadian? Canadian. “Saary mom! I'll be out for a while!” They wont have any self-deprecating wit here! NO, YOU BASTARDS! YOU SHAMELESS LITTLE BASTARDS! Oh yeah, oh. Uh, I got a story on that later. It’s like the opposite of Spinal Tap. My guitar turns down to like negative one. Does everything have to have a song? Thanks for blowing my cover, douche bag! Foam Rubber Conan has all the fun! So if I scrapped with a moose, I would die quickly, that’s what you’re saying? Yeah, I didn’t like that! Wait, I kinda did, and then I didn’t. Well, it looks good on the TV, you know, so - Conan! I'll be right down! Nickelback Chad Kroeger of Nickelback

START SHOW INT. ELGIN THEATRE O’BRIEN: Thank you very much! Alright, thank you! Alright everybody, ho, hey everybody! Thank you very much! Thank you very much everybody! Alright, that’s sweet, thank you! Thank you very much everybody! Thank you! Wow, okay alright alright alright alright! I’ve always heard Canadians were reserved, what the hell was that? Thank you, we’ve got a nice – alright, everybody settle down, settle down babies! Sweet show tonight! Thank you, thank you. Frankly, I don’t know if you guys were applauding or just keeping your hands warm. Yeah…yes that’s right, oh no its not cold up here…uhh…Great to be here in Canada right now, thank you very much for welcoming me like that, I love Canada. I love Canada! I do! And you know what’s nice? I’m learning! I’m learning a lot, I’m learning a lot about Canada. I’m learning a lot, yeah, La Bamba, learning a lot. Camera quickly cuts to a confused La Bamba, of the Max Weinberg 7, as he does not know why he was included in that segment of conversation. That’s right, yeah, up here in Canada you guys refer to Wayne Gretzky as “The Great One,” right, true. Yeah, uh, my nickname in Canada is “The Guy Who Insisted On Coming Here.” Everybody read The Toronto Sun today? You check it out? Ha ha, I never get to say that in New York, “Yo, check out The Toronto Sun, huh?” Audience goes, “NOOO!” They had a big story in there about the NASA Rover today. Yeah, this is true, yeah, don’t whoo that, that’s just sad. Guy goes, “WHOOO!” Due, this is interesting, due to the success of the Rover, other countries are considering exploring Mars, did you know that? True story. Yeah, when asked about Mars, a Canadian spokesperson said, “If we want to visit any icy, desolate place, we’ll go to Winnipeg.” Ha ha ha ha, Winnipeg! Conan suddenly stops laughing, and puts on a very serious face. The Academy Awards coming up, everyone getting excited about that, all over the world, that’s just not us. Yeah, yesterday the producers of the Academy Awards said they will consider cutting away from Oscar winners’ speeches unless they are interesting and wholesome. Yeah, so as a result, the show will be 9 minutes long. It’s gonna be short but sweet. Yeah, that’s nice. Ha ha ha, Winnipeg! Now, uh, now of course, you can’t do a monologue in Canada without mentioning Celine Dion, you just can’t. So I’d like to mention this: It’s been - Audience boos at mention of Dion. Ha, are you booing me or her? I don’t know what’s going on. I’m confused about who’s being booed here. It’s been reported that when Celine Dion’s mike went out at the Grammy Awards, she started swearing at the crew in French, that’s true. Yeah, when asked about it, a guy on the crew said, “Hey, we’re just glad she didn’t sing at us!” And I thought that was, interesting…ha ha ha right? Ha ha ha…Winnipeg. No, we really, we really do have an amazing show tonight. Of course, last night, our first show, out of Canada featured the terrific Mike Myers. And he was great! If anybody, I don’t know if anybody saw him on the show last night, he was terrific, take a quick look. Clip of Myers’ appearance on the February 10 episode runs. MYERS: Buddy of mine, we just played Risk and he honked on Europe, then we went over to Canadian Tire, we got some donuts and went to the hydro field and drank a Scarborough suitcase. O’BRIEN: Great, yeah, yeah it was great! Yeah, the only problem, the only problem is when an American audience hears a sentence like that, they don’t understand what the hell is going on. So last night we aired a different version, of our show, in the States. I’m sorry, we had to. Check it out. Same clip of Myers’ appearance on the February 10 episode runs again, with voiceover dubbed over Canadian references. MYERS: Buddy of mine, we just played GOLF and he BOUGHT A HANDGUN, then we went over to THE GAP, we got some BIG MACS and went to the ALAMO and drank a PEPSI. O’BRIEN: Sounds just as good! I think it was better, frankly, I think it kicked it up a notch. Yeah, now, one of the real highlights of our trip to Toronto, to be honest with you, has been seeing the, yeah the Leafs…yeah dude. Leafs definitely a highlight. Yeah, he’s just waiting for any Leaf mention at all. Conan begins to imitate the hyperactive Leaf fan. “WHEN, WHEN!?! WHEN WILL I GO WHOO!?! WHEN!?!” Well, I think one of the, besides the Leafs, one of the great things has been seeing the CN Tower, the world’s tallest freestanding structure, it’s amazing. It’s gorgeous, it’s gorgeous, Canadians very proud of that tower. But you know what? Americans are proud of their own giant freestanding tower, I’m talking of course about the Space Needle in Seattle, that’s right. Now, ha ha ha ha, wow, ha ha, that’s an old-standing rivalry! Yeah, now, now I gotta tell you, when I mention our Space Needle in these parts, Canadians, you see, they get very defensive. They always say their tower is better than ours, which got me thinking: which one really is better? Which one? It’s an age old question, I thought we’d answer that question tonight, for the first time. And that’s right, first of all, representing the United States, coming in at a lean 605 feet, the Seattle Space Needle! A man in a rubber Space Needle suit comes out to the American national anthem, amidst audience boos. And, representing Canada, coming in at a majestic 1815 feet, that’s 553 metres, featuring the world’s highest revolving restaurant, the food’s excellent, the CN Tower! A man in a rubber CN Tower suit comes out to the Canadian national anthem, amidst audience cheers. Now, uh, both of these structures are truly awesome, it would be great if they could both be the world’s greatest tower, but sadly, sadly we all know that cannot be. There’s truly only one fair way to settle this: mud wrestling! Towers, prepare for battle! Let’s get in there! Here we go! Three, two, one, GO! The Space Needle and CN Tower wrestle, with “Ace Of Spades” by Motorhead playing in the background, but the CN Tower manages to overpower the Space Needle for the win in 25 seconds. Yes! Yes, it’s the CN Tower! Great job CN Tower! Congratulations! Wait a minute, that’s pudding! What the hell? There’s no mud up here? Mmm, it’s good…anyway, just chill out there, fellas. I like just watching them stand there sadly, covered in mud. Seriously though, as you can tell, I do, uh, I love – FAN: GO BACK TO SEATTLE, NEEDLE! O’BRIEN: This guy’s really mad at the Space Needle over here. He says, “GO BACK TO SEATTLE, NEEDLE! GET ON BACK THERE!” It’s a foam needle, dude! I do love Toronto though, as I think you can tell. From the moment I got here I’ve loved this place, and I’ve wanted to learn everything I could about this beautiful city. But I needed a local, to show me around town. So, uh, I called my good buddy, the always flamboyant member of the comedy group Kids In The Hall, Scott Thompson, and, uh, yeah. We had a, uh, we had a fine old time, it was a lot of fun. Check it out. INT. FAIRMONT ROYAL YORK HOTEL Well, I’m in the lobby of my hotel, and uh, ready to see Toronto. I don’t really know the city, and what better way to learn about the city than with an old friend of mine who’s from here, Scott Thompson. Scott! THOMPSON: Conan! O’BRIEN: How are ya? THOMPSON: I’m very good, it’s good to see you. O’BRIEN: It’s so nice that you walked in just now…what a coincidence. THOMPSON: Well it is a coincidence…I have a guidebook – O’BRIEN: Guidebook… THOMPSON: We’re ready to go. O’BRIEN: Alright, you gonna show me the city? THOMPSON: You’re in good hands, my friend. O’BRIEN: Let’s do it. THOMPSON: Let’s go. EXT. DOWNTOWN TORONTO Bachman Turner Overdrive’s “Taking Care Of Business” plays in the background. Conan and Thompson are then shown at Union Station, trying to wave down a moving subway train. EXT. TORONTO CITY HALL THOMPSON: Well, this is the new City Hall, Conan. As you can see, it’s modeled on the United Nations, and funny enough, they call it the New City Hall, but it’s at least 40 years old, so it’s not really that new. O’BRIEN: Right. Really, it’s a travesty. EXT. NATHAN PHILLIPS SQUARE THOMPSON: And this is the skating rink where everybody comes, and, uh, right now it’s the lunchtime crowd, but it should be thinning out pretty soon. Conan and Thompson are then shown running across the ice surface in shoes on the virtually empty rink, during the lunchtime “rush.” They are then shown swinging each other around, laughing in joy. INT. TORONTO CITY HALL THOMPSON: So Conan, right now we’re inside of New City Hall, and uh, as you can see, this is the place where you’d come in to get yourself a liquor license, or a marriage license, yeah. O’BRIEN: Yeah. Is it true that in Toronto now, it is legal for two men to marry? THOMPSON: Yes, actually, it is. Uh huh. Conan and Thompson exchange heartfelt stares, before realizing what they are contemplating. Conan and Thompson are then shown on the subway, taking pictures with fan Geoff Ho, a student at the University of Toronto. Conan and Thompson are then shown in Toronto Harbour. EXT. CN TOWER & SKYDOME THOMPSON: Conan, this is a very important spot. This is the world famous CN Tower, the world’s tallest free-standing structure, and the world famous SkyDome. Together, they’re sort of the penis and the vagina of Toronto. O’BRIEN: Now what’s that orangey, metal thing? THOMPSON: Well, that’s just an orange, metal thing. I mean, you don’t have to read something dirty into everything, Conan. O’BRIEN: Okay. Conan and Thompson are then shown again in Toronto Harbour. EXT. BATA SHOE MUSEUM O’BRIEN: Ho ho! This is it! Yup, the Bata Shoe Museum! THOMPSON: Wow! O’BRIEN: Let’s do it! THOMPSON: Let’s go in! INT. BATA SHOE MUSEUM The shoes of Joan Crawford, Lauren Bacall and Barbara Streisand are shown. O’BRIEN: These are all celebrity shoes? EMPLOYEE: That’s right. O’BRIEN: You got big names in here. Lucille Ball, Serena Williams, Ella Fitzgerald, um – THOMPSON: Phil Collins! O’BRIEN: Phil Collins. Why did you ruin it? THOMPSON: I’m sorry. O’BRIEN: You ruined it. THOMPSON: But wait till you see his shoe, that’s what’s going to ruin it. O’BRIEN: Look at his shoe, this is what bothers me about his shoe. He’s got this weird, ropey stuff. The picture of Phil Collins, grinning, at his display case is shown. Look at that grin right there, it’s like you can just hear him saying, “I’m standing on rope.” Look at that, and he’s got that smirk. I’d like to just punch his lights out. THOMPSON: I really do. Conan and Thompson are then shown walking down the street, and at an ice cream stand in the snow, Conan holding a $20 bill, waiting for ice cream. INT. THE BEER STORE Conan picks up a 950 ml can of Budweiser. O’BRIEN: Check this out! This is like a magical land! THOMPSON: It is! O’BRIEN: Look at the size of this beer can! 950 millilitres! That’s over 40 gallons of beer! Conan picks up The Beer Store Road-Side Emergency Kit. They also sell The Beer Store Road-Side Emergency Kit. And it lists everything it has in here: booster cables, first aid kit, flashlight, beer! More beer! Conan and Thompson are then shown leaving The Beer Store, Conan carrying a 24 pack of Labatt Blue, and Thompson carrying a 24 pack of Molson Canadian. INT. HOCKEY HALL OF FAME O’BRIEN: Scott, this must be huge for you, the Stanley Cup. This was probably a part of your dream as a little boy, was to play hockey. THOMPSON: Yeah, yeah. O’BRIEN: Is that true? THOMPSON: Uh, nope. O’BRIEN: You don’t care about hockey at all, do you? THOMPSON: You know, can we go back to the shoe museum? O’BRIEN: Don’t lean here! What’s your favourite memory of a Stanley Cup? THOMPSON: Well, it’s when, uh, they have the trophy, and they skate around the rink, with the trophy. Remember in Slap Shot when Michael Ontkean does that, and he has just his jock strap on? Clip from Slap Shot shown, of Michael Ontkean skating around the rink with the Federal League championship trophy. O’BRIEN: Yeah. THOMPSON: Remember that scene? O’BRIEN: Yeah I remember it, it’s probably not as big a part of, my life – THOMPSON: Well that’s, that was my hockey dream. O’BRIEN: You loved that. You just, what, Michael Ontkean in uh – THOMPSON: I wanted to be able to skate around in a jock strap and go, “Whoa! I won!” Clip of Thompson, in only a jock strap, celebrating next to the Stanley Cup, as Conan walks away disgusted. EXT. DOWNTOWN TORONTO O’BRIEN: Well Scott, we’ve had a pretty good day. THOMPSON: Yeah. Hey, let’s get ourselves a drink! O’BRIEN: You wanna get a drink? THOMPSON: Yeah, we deserve it. O’BRIEN: You know a place? THOMPSON: I know a place right there! Front entrance of Woody’s & Sailor, Toronto’s largest gay bar, is shown. O’BRIEN: Okay. THOMPSON: Let’s go in! INT. WOODY’S & SAILOR O’BRIEN: So this is a Toronto bar. THOMPSON: Yeah Conan, pretty typical. O’BRIEN: It’s nice. THOMPSON: Very nice. O’BRIEN: The people were friendly, coming in. THOMPSON: Oh, the people are the best! That’s what I love about this city. O’BRIEN: Yeah, they’re very, very friendly. The shot moves back, as a television playing a gay porn film is shown right behind Conan and Thompson. O’BRIEN: Hey, Conan. Conan O’Brien. MARK: How you doing? I’m Mark. O’BRIEN: Good to see you. Mark? MARK: Nice to meet you. Yeah! O’BRIEN: This is, uh – THOMPSON: Nice to see you again, Mark. MARK: Hey Scott, how you doing? Good to see you! THOMPSON: Good to see you! MARK: Long time! THOMPSON: Yeah…pretty long, yeah. O’BRIEN: I like Toronto. THOMPSON: Oh, I love it. Hey! To Toronto! O’BRIEN: To Toronto! MARK: Yeah! O’BRIEN: Toronto! The three toast, as Conan’s tour of Toronto comes to a close. INT. ELGIN THEATRE O’BRIEN: Let’s get him out here, Scott Thompson everybody! Come on out! THOMPSON: I WON THE CONAN! THE CONIE! O’BRIEN: YEAH! They are then shown swinging each other around yet again, just like at Nathan Phillips Square. O’BRIEN: We’ll be right back, Michael J. Fox is here! Stick around! COMMERCIAL: Skating rink at Nathan Phillips Square is shown. Alright! Nice job. It’s nice here, isn’t it? You know, uh, you know, during the show, I always like to have a quick chat with our band leader, Max Weinberg. It’s just something we always do, it’s very friendly and informal. Well, since we’re here in Canada, I thought what better way to do it, then with yet another official Canadian Small Talk Moment. CANADIAN SMALL TALK MOMENT- Conan & Max both throw on Team Canada hats. WEINBERG: Ha ha, Conan. Boy Conan, you know, it looks like the Prime Minister’s in a real boondoggle over this sponsorship scandal. O’BRIEN: Yeah. If you ask me Max, having Gagliano oversee funds for the RCMP and the Ontario Winter Games is a recipe for disaster! And handing the reigns over to Pierre Tremblay was no excuse. Trust me, if you’re following the loonies, they’ll lead straight to Andre Ouillet. WEINBERG: Conan, you’re acting like Chuck Guite was never deputy minister in Credian’s cabinet. Look, I’m all for increasing Ottawa’s visibility, but if Pierre Pettigrew smells a rat, I’m betting that rat works for Canadian GroupAction Marketing Unlimited. Conan and Max each exchange blank stares to end the CANADIAN SMALL TALK MOMENT. O’BRIEN: Alright everybody. My first guest of course, is an international television and film star. He’s beloved all around the world, but nowhere more than on his own home turf. Please welcome, Canada’s own, Michael J. Fox! Come on! That’s nice. That’s a nice thing. Good for the soul. FOX: They’re all related to me! O’BRIEN: These are all your relatives here, apparently. FOX: All my relatives. O’BRIEN: They’re Foxes everywhere, yeah, yeah. FOX: Lot of foxes in Toronto. O’BRIEN: Do Canadians always treat you like that? Is that the treatment you get if you, in some other part of the world, if you run into a Canadian, is – FOX: Well, Canadians, yeah, I don’t think it’s – Canadians, we all do that to each other. I mean, it’s like, it’s true. It’s like this Canadian – it’s like we have an ass-sniffing thing, you know? We like, it’s like – O’BRIEN: Wait, that’s something very different, probably. FOX: No, you can be anywhere, I don’t know how this happens, because you can be anywhere, and someone will go, “Hey, Mike…Canadian.” And I’ll be like, “Yeah, cool! Where you from?” And, but, everybody’s like, the first thing you have to do is announce you’re Canadian. O’BRIEN: Right, right. FOX: No matter where you are in the world, like, it’s like, “Hey, Canadian? Canadian.” It’s like, “Just want you to know, while we’re in Turkey, I’m also here.” O’BRIEN: Yeah. That’s the other funny thing, is there’s probably also this assumption that you know, you know, that, people think that, “Hey, he’s Canadian too, you guys probably know each other.” It’s like a pretty large land mass. FOX: Well, that’s an American thing, right. In America, they say, “Where you from?” I’ll say, “Vancouver,” and then they’ll say, “I got a friend in Toronto, you must know him.” O’BRIEN: You guys see each other at the local store all the time. FOX: Yeah, we meet in Manitoba. O’BRIEN: Now, did you, you know, speaking of Canada and going to America, did you work to lose your accent? Did it happen naturally? FOX: To lose my accent? You mean to get my American accent. O’BRIEN: Yeah, yeah, that’s right. Crowd cheers heavily at Fox’s mention of the American accent, prompting Conan to tame the crowd. Don’t make me bring the Space Needle back out here! Ha, there’s a guy over here who’s really mad at the Space Needle. FOX: I’m mad at the pudding…I stepped in the pudding. O’BRIEN: Yeah, it’s pudding! I didn’t know it was pudding. It’s delicious. FOX: Yeah, no, I had to, uh, learn how to like say things like sorry. See, I say, “Sorry mom. Sorry mom, I’ve gotta go out, and uh, you know, I’ll be back about 5.” O’BRIEN: Right. FOX: Where as, like, in America, I had to think of like Indhira Gandhi. I think of like an Indian dress, like “Sari! Sari!” O’BRIEN: So, you had to work on that stuff? Fox puts on his best American accent. FOX: Yeah, “Saary mom!” O’BRIEN: Ha, saary mom. FOX: “I’ll be out for a while!” O’BRIEN: Yeah. FOX: It’s like doing mouth stretching exercises. O’BRIEN: Yeah. You sounded Texan for a while there. FOX: Yeah, it got pretty weird. O’BRIEN: Now, uh, well you moved to L.A. when you were in high school. FOX: Yeah. Literally in high school. O’BRIEN: And I’m imagining, you in high school, that’s a scary time in your life to make such a big move. Were your teachers supportive? Were the people in your life supportive when you made this big move? FOX: My family was supportive. I left school in 11th Grade…don’t try this at home, but uh, I left in 11th Grade, and umm, yeah. My father was cool cause I was acting, I was making a living, doing acting. I was doing theatre at night, and I was failing drama in the morning. So they kind of realized my situation. And uh, so my father was cool about it. My teachers were not so cool. I had this uh, law teacher, social studies teacher who said, when I told him, he said, “You’re making a big mistake, Fox. You’re not going to be cute forever.” And I said, you know, maybe just long enough – O’BRIEN: Just for a few years of cuteness, cash in on it. FOX: Now uh, sadly, it’s proven true, but the cheque’s been cashed. The audience begins to boo Fox, believing that he is still cute, even at age 42. Oh stop! Boy, it’s great to be up here! O’BRIEN: They wont have any self-deprecating wit here! They’re not having it. FOX: Oh, it’s so great to be up here. O’BRIEN: So, uh, and you had, for a while, you had no money when you first moved to the States. FOX: No, I was living – I was selling, it’s this story that I always tell, I sold my sectional couch section by section. O’BRIEN: What, did you just sell off pieces of it when you got desperate? FOX: Yeah, yeah, if things would be bad, I would uh, go, there’s a guy who lived in my building, Lance, who’s an actor, and I knocked on his door and said, you know, “Pretty tight…you need the middle section?” If he was flush, he’d buy the middle section, and uh, yeah, then I got on Family Ties. O’BRIEN: Wow. Did he make it as an actor, Lance? FOX: Oh, I don’t care. I’m not buying it back. O’BRIEN: Yeah, yeah. Now, uh, you’re on Scrubs now, that’s a show I really enjoy. FOX: It’s a great show. O’BRIEN: It’s a funny show, and you play a doctor, it’s a good part: you’re a doctor with obsessive compulsive disorder. And this is something you know a little something about, because you have a little bit of OCD, don’t you? FOX: Well, I have, I have one thing, but I don’t know if it’s technically OCD. But, if I see, geez I can’t even talk about it. If I see fingernail damage, or nail – O’BRIEN: Fingernail damage, like a torn finger – FOX: Yeah, okay, you see, now – O’BRIEN: Alright, alright. You don’t like that. Fox begins to cringe and bite on his fingers. FOX: I have this ritual I gotta go through. I gotta press every single fingernail, and I go like that - Fox rubs his fingers on his teeth. And that’s it. Now, there’s a commercial – O’BRIEN: You gotta rub your gums too? FOX: Yeah, it’s weird. I have no idea what that’s about, but – O’BRIEN: Right. FOX: But there’s a commercial in the States where, for some kind of fungal remover. And these little – I can’t even say it – these funguses come and they lift up the toenail – O’BRIEN: Oh my god, yeah. FOX: And they climb under there, and I’m telling you, I’m lopping around over there, and my kids are laughing, they’re like, “Get daddy, the commercial’s on!” And they’re like, “Daddy, daddy, come in!” And I’m like, “NO, YOU BASTARDS! YOU SHAMELESS LITTLE BASTARDS!” O’BRIEN: Those are mean kids. FOX: Oh, they’re awful. O’BRIEN: And then you’re rubbing your hands and – FOX: And then, yeah, I have this whole – and I’m like, I’m like a twitch-a-thon anyway – O’BRIEN: So these kids are not nice. FOX: So they just make it worse. O’BRIEN: Now you had a very nice experience – I’ve known for a long time that you uh, that you play guitar. Uh, and recently – and in the first Back To The Future movie, you got to play some really good Johnny B. Goode. FOX: Yeah. O’BRIEN: Which was you playing, I’ve always heard. FOX: Well, I finger-synced it. O’BRIEN: Right, you finger-synced it. FOX: Well, it sounds dirty, but it really isn’t. O’BRIEN: Oh yeah, oh. Uh, I got a story on that later. Uh, but you, you got to recently jam with Bruce Springsteen. FOX: Yeah, it was cool. O’BRIEN: Now, is that, you had to be pretty good to be able to probably jam with Bruce Springsteen. FOX: No, you have to – if you suck as badly as I do, you have to jam with Bruce Springsteen. Otherwise, you know – I gotta play with good musicians, and I turned it down, it’s like the opposite of Spinal Tap. My guitar turns down to like negative one, so everybody else can be heard. O’BRIEN: Right. Well, was it intimidating, or you just got, it was just fine? FOX: Well hey, you played with him once, didn’t you? O’BRIEN: Yeah, that’s why I said you have to be pretty good to play with Bruce – no, uh, no I’m not. I just played rhythm. He came on the show once, and it was a blast. I didn’t do anything fancy. FOX: I just kind of hung in the back. There was a song called Light Of Day, I did a movie a long time ago called Light Of Day. And he wrote – Audience begins to applaud Fox’s performance in Light Of Day. Oh come on, please. Now you’re really being nice. And he, uh, you like Life With Mikey too? Um – O’BRIEN: You can’t go wrong with this crowd! You can’t do wrong! FOX: But anyway, but he wrote the theme song to that. He wrote Light Of Day, and so I played it when we did the movie, and I butchered it. And I always kind of felt bad about it, and every time I see Bruce Springsteen somewhere, I think like, “He hates my guts because I butchered Light Of Day.” So when I got a chance to play with him, he played that song, it was amazing. O’BRIEN: That’s really cool. It’s one of those great things you get to do. Speaking of great things you get to do, when we found out that we were coming here to do this show, and I know you’ve got a lot going on, you were one of the first people to call up and say, “I’m there, I wanna help out.” FOX: Well I wanted to come up to T.O. O’BRIEN: Very good man. Scrubs airs Tuesday nights on NBC, and for information on the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research, visit michaeljfox.org, and check that out. Thank you so much! Excellent man right here. Michael J. Fox! Champion moose caller Ken Capling coming up! We’ll take a break, we’ll be right back! COMMERCIAL Alright everybody, we’re back. A fine show tonight! Ladies and gentlemen, uh, you gotta tune in tomorrow night; Mr. Adam Sandler is going to be here. And uh, musical guest, Stompin’ Tom Connors, so watch that show. I’ve been after that man for a long time. Alright, I’ve uh heard from quite a few people here in Toronto that most Canadians think they can spot an American a mile away. And I’ll tell you something, I’ve only been up here a couple of days, but I think I’ve gotten pretty good at picking out Americans myself, from the crowd. Let me prove it right now with a little game called Spot The American. SPOT THE AMERICAN- Logo pops up on screen, as the Spot The American theme song plays. What the hell was that? Does everything have to have a song? That sucked…alright, uh, let’s just, Alan, do me a favour. Let’s cut to just a section of the crowd right here, a specific section, and just start panning, and, let’s see, no I don’t think so, keep moving, not sure, keep going, don’t think so – Regular audience members are shown sitting quietly, while one possible “American” is screaming out. AMERICAN: Yo yo yo yo! Yo yo! Yo yo! Yo yo! Yo! Yo yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! O’BRIEN: Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving, keep, keep moving, maybe, not sure yet, head back the other way, I’m just not sure, I’m not really, I wanna just keep looking – The camera moves back towards the “American,” who is chugging on a 950 ml can of Budweiser. And see if I can find out if the guy’s anywhere. Not really sure, I don’t know, just do me – head back the other way, just for a second. Still looking, I’m not sure, it’s hard to tell – The camera moves the other way back to the “American,” who has stripped down to a pair of boxer shorts with the American flag, an Uncle Sam top hat, and the words “DO ME” written on his chest, who is yelling and screaming while standing on his seat, drinking his can of Budweiser. And uh, alright. AMERICAN: COME ON! YEAH! ALRIGHT! O’BRIEN: Excuse me! Excuse me! Pardon me! AMERICAN: Yo yo yo yo yo! O’BRIEN: Pardon me! Pardon me sir, I might be way off base here, uh, but uh, by any chance, are you an American? AMERICAN: Thanks for blowing my cover, douche bag! O’BRIEN: Alright everybody, we’ll take a break. When we come back, world champion moose caller Ken Capling’s on the program! We got him when we come back! COMMERCIAL Alright everybody, we are back. Now you know, uh, one thing we found, this is fascinating, one thing we found as we were preparing to do this week of shows, is that the official Toronto website has a webcam, which shows in Real Time lots of different parts of Toronto. Here’s what it looks like. A shot of the Toronto.com Live Webcam is shown on the screen. This is a true thing, here it is right there. As you can see, it shows Toronto in all it’s splendor. Well, as soon as we saw this, we thought, “Why not have a little fun?” So earlier today, uh just a couple of hours ago, we sent a couple of our favourite characters out to the streets of Toronto, with very specific directions of where to stand. Right now, I wanna show you some of the images of Toronto that are being sent out all over the world, live on the web. Let’s take a look here. Another shot of the Toronto.com Live Webcam is shown on the screen, with the Masturbating Bear doing his business atop a financial district skyscraper. As you can see, I think that’s the financial district. There’s the CN Tower, there’s Lake Ontario. And we start pushing in, pushing in, pushing in, and there’s the Masturbating Bear, right there! Oh my god, look at that! A third shot of the Toronto.com Live Webcam is shown on the screen, with Foam Rubber Conan walking along Yonge Street, just north of Dundas, in the shopping district. That’s just – okay, now let’s pan over, to the shopping district, let’s push in, and it looks like there’s Foam Rubber Conan standing on the street. And, it looks like there’s a, a working lady right there, a woman who makes her living on the streets at night. And it looks like it’s going well for Foam Rubber Conan. Foam Rubber Conan has all the fun! Alright, the uh, of course the moose. I love any sentence that starts this way: the moose is a beloved animal, especially here in Canada – FAN: YEAAH! O’BRIEN: Thank you sir – and no one knows that better, than my next guest, the moose calling champion of the world, please welcome, all the way from Innerkip, Ontario, Ken Capling! Now, tell me about the dreaded moose, Ken. I don’t know much about the moose. The moose is a big animal, much bigger than people think. Is that right? CAPLING: The moose is a huge animal! O’BRIEN: How big? What are we talking here? CAPLING: 1400 pounds is a big bull moose, 6 feet to his shoulder, you got the neck, head, horns on top of that – I’ve never run out with a tape measure, but that’s close to 10 feet tall. O’BRIEN: So if I scrapped with a moose, I would die quickly, that’s what you’re saying? A moose can kill you and kill you fast. CAPLING: A moose can kill you like that. O’BRIEN: Okay, alright. Just thinking about it, alright, a moose kills you. Now, you claim that you can talk to a moose, is that fair? That you’re kind of a “moose whisperer,” that you have – that’s your claim! That you can communicate with the dreaded moose. Is that true? CAPLING: I certainly communicate with them, but what I do isn’t whispering, trust me. O’BRIEN: Right, okay. Do they speak a certain language, or what are we talking about here? CAPLING: I speak to them in a language that they understand. There's two, essentially two calls that I would use when I’m calling for moose. The first one is a cow call – O’BRIEN: A cow call? Now, let’s break this down. What’s a cow call? A cow call does – and first of all, I’m going to ask you about this thing right here. I’m guessing this is a horn, this isn’t just for gravy. This is something that you actually use to communicate with people CAPLING: This is a horn. It’s made out of fiberglass, this one’s covered with leather – O’BRIEN: Okay, you’re holding it in a weird way, just hold it up like this. It was bothering me for a second. Alright? CAPLING: Well I’m glad to hear that! O’BRIEN: Yeah, I didn’t like that! Wait, I kinda did, and then I didn’t. Um, this, did you make this yourself? CAPLING: No, actually I purchased this about 12 years ago. O’BRIEN: Well that ruins the whole thing. I thought, “We’re bringing this backwoodsman out,” but, “Oh no, I got this at K-Mart, you get these everywhere.” CAPLING: There’s no fiberglass in the bush. O’BRIEN: Okay, alright. I’ve always heard that. Now uh, how does it work? What do you do? This is something that you –you blow into it, or do you sort of speak into it? CAPLING: Okay, this amplifies my voice, and it, breaks, takes the humanness out of my voice. O’BRIEN: Right, removes all human features. CAPLING: Hopefully, that’s what it does, yes. O’BRIEN: Right, okay, so, uh, you said there are two calls; tell us about the first call. CAPLING: Okay, the first call is, would imitate a cow moose actively seeking a mate. It would be in the fall time of the year, so I’m talking dirty to a bull. O’BRIEN: I like that. That’s uh, and this is, this is the cow moose saying, “Uh, I’m ready to go!” CAPLING: She’s saying, “I need a man real bad.” O’BRIEN: Yeah, yeah. We’ll we’ve all heard that… CAPLING: Oh yeah. Well I know what you mean! O’BRIEN: Alright, let’s hear the first call. Let’s hear the – this is the cow, calling for the, uh, the male moose. Let’s hear that. CAPLING: Okay. It goes something like this. Capling stands up and does the cow call, swinging his body into the call as he does it. O’BRIEN: That’s very good, I like that. That’s very nice. And is all the movement necessary, or is that just for show? That you just, uh, put your hip into it a little bit. CAPLING: Well, it looks good on the TV, you know, so – O’BRIEN: Oh, of course! CAPLING: But it actually is important. It’s waves are different. O’BRIEN: Now what is the second call? The second call now. CAPLING: The second call would be a bull moose’s response. It’d be the sound that it would make as it was coming towards me. O’BRIEN: Right. CAPLING: And that’s the one you wanna look out for. O’BRIEN: Which is pretty much him saying, “LET’S GET IT ON!” CAPLING: Or he may be telling you he’s gonna hurt you real bad. O’BRIEN: Yeah…what’d I do? I didn’t touch her…alright, well let’s uh, let’s hear it. Let’s hear the uh, this is the guy calling now. CAPLING: And it sounds something like this. Capling stands up and does the bull call, much shorter than the cow call, surprising Conan. O’BRIEN: What? Wait a minute! That’s the sound? CAPLING: That’s it! O’BRIEN: So let me try it here. Let me try to, hold on, let me try the first one. So the first one’s like this. Conan stands up and attempts to do the cow call, talking as he does. O’BRIEN: OOOOOOOOOOH I need a man real bad! It’s something like that? CAPLING: That’s it! You got it! O’BRIEN: That’s it. And then, this is, and this is the guy, who’s basically saying, “Here I come,” the dramatic moment, goes something like this. CAPLING: Here comes your man! Conan attempts to do the bull call. O’BRIEN: That’s it? CAPLING: That’s it! O’BRIEN: That guy’s not getting any action! I know the ladies, the ladies don’t like, “Eeooh, eeooh, eeooh.” Let me just try this, I think I’m getting the hang of this. I think I may finally have it, let me try this one more time, and see if I got it. Conan does another cow call, catching the attention of a moose on the balcony, armed with a megaphone. MOOSE: Conan! Conan! I’ll be right down! Grrrrrowl! Hi there! O’BRIEN: You can’t lose with a moose head in a balcony. Alright everybody, that’s Ken Capling! We’ll take a break, when we come back, Nickelback’s here! Nice job! That was great! COMMERCIAL Alright everybody, we are back. My next guests starting performing together in the small Canadian town of Hanna, and have gone on to sell more than 10 million albums worldwide. Here with a song from their latest album, The Long Road, is Nickelback. Nickelback performs the song “Figured You Out.” I like your pants around your feet I like the dirt that's on your knees And I like the way you still say please While you're looking up at me You're like my favourite damn disease And I love the places that we go And I love the people that you know And I love the way you can't say no Too many long lines in a row I love the powder on your nose And now I know who you are It wasn't that hard Just to figure you out And now I know who you are It wasn't that hard Just to figure you out I like the freckles on your chest And I like the way you like me best And I like the way you're not impressed While you put me to the test I like the wine stains on your dress And I love the way you pass the check And I love the good times that you wreck And I love your lack of self respect While you're passed out on the deck I love my hands around your neck And now I know who you are It wasn't that hard Just to figure you out And now I know who you are It wasn't that hard Just to figure you out I like your pants around your feet And I like the dirt that's on your knees And I like the way you still say please While you're looking up at me You're like my favourite damn disease And I hate the places that we go And I hate the people that you know And I hate the way you can't say no Too many long lines in a row I hate the powder on your nose And now I know who you are It wasn't that hard Just to figure you out And now I know who you are It wasn't that hard Just to figure you out O'BRIEN: Nickelback everybody! We’ll take a break, we’ll be right back. Stick around! COMMERCIAL Alright I wanna thank all my guests: Michael J. Fox, Ken Capling, Nickelback, don’t forget tomorrow is Adam Sandler, Friday is Jim Carrey. We will see you then! Bye bye everybody! END SHOW CLOSING CREDITS PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION FURNISHED BY: The Government of Ontario- Ministry of Tourism and Recreation, The Government of Canada- Toronto03 TORONTO FOOTAGE FURNISHED BY: CHUM Television ACCOMODATIONS FURNISHED BY: Fairmont Royal York Hotel, Delta Chelsea Hotel, Holiday Inn on King Street AIR TRAVEL FURNISHED BY: JetsGo Corporation TICKETS FOR “LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BRIEN” CALL: (212) 664-3056 A Conaco, Broadway Video and NBC Studios production