I thought this was a bit too much... “GO LEAFS! BOO SEATTLE TOWER!” Stupidest thing I think we’ve ever done. The Canadian Mountie, and the Canadian Mounter! You're in North America now! Learn the language! A bit easier to say than rue Saint-Flavien... Yes, yes, that's very good... Your prick is harder than Michael Jackson at Disneyland! Tough to swallow, when your throat is made of plastic... Hear that? It’s the sound of nobody giving a s*%#! Meatball: 1999-2004. In first grade I moved to Fat Alberta. They like that! If you go like this! I CAN DO IT ALLLL NIGHT LONG! Whispering that word helps. There’s a giant mike right here. He was the only guy who could say, “ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!” When she said that she loved me, my guy was kinda like “ohhayabadah!” Schneider's always popping up somewhere... Do you ever have that feeling that something’s wrong, but it still feels so right? Nuper rhymes with super, and cainal rhymes with anal! I’m pregnant! Stompin' Tom Connors and The Rovin' Cowboys Stompin' Tom Connors

START SHOW INT. ELGIN THEATRE O’BRIEN: Thank you very much everybody! Thank you! You! And you! That’s very nice. How you doin? Alright everybody, thank you! Thank you! We gotta go! Thank you very much! Thank you! Ha, wow! Man! It’s nice. Thank you. Alright, okay. Wow, thank you – shhh…yes! Thank you! Thank you! Everybody settle down, we got a lot of show to do my babies! We gotta go! We gotta go. I don’t know about you Max, but I’m getting used to this. I like it out here. WEINBERG: Yeah, it’s really nice. Very nice. O’BRIEN: I swear to god, no one’s this excited in New York unless there’s been a murder, you know? It’s very nice, thank you very much, and hello Montreal! Audience boos Conan mistaking Toronto for Montreal. Just kiddin’, just a little ribbing there! Ha ha ha ha HUGE MISTAKE! It’s funny, how to go from that much excitement to that much hate that fast. Only one man can do that, and that is me baby! Alright, well we got, I gotta be honest. We’re having an amazing time here in Toronto; we’re just having a great time. Everyone has been so nice to us, in the city of Toronto, it’s been great. In fact, in fact, last night, premier Dalton McGuinty even mentioned us on the news, did you see that? He mentioned us on the evening news. That’s right…yeah, he said thanks to Conan O’Brien, we’ve never been so proud to not be American. That’s what he said. We’re unifying the country! There’s a coming together! I read the papers, uh up here. Earlier today, the Canadian government reintroduced a bill, that calls for decriminalizing marijuana. And, listen to this, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, when asked why they are introducing the bill a second time, the pro-marijuana politician said, “What?” Conan begins to stare at his hand in shock, as if he is high and is hallucinating. According to the Toronto Sun, while our show has been in town, business at the neighbourhood Tim Hortons donut shop has increased, listen to this, listen to this. Since we’ve been in town, business at the Tim Hortons donut shop has increased 500%...that’s true, that’s true, yeah. Yeah, and that’s just from La Bamba. I thought that was the amazing thing. An aggravated La Bamba of the Max Weinberg 7 is shown glaring at Conan in anger. Ha ha ha ha…okay! Now, I uh – Conan begins to imitate upset fans, supporting La Bamba. OH, HE DON’T LIKE THIS! YOU LEAVE LA BAMBA ALONE! You know what I found out? I found out today that it’s legal for women to sunbathe topless here in Toronto. It’s amazing…it’s legal to sunbathe topless in Toronto, yeah. Yeah, which explains why I keep hearing the phrase, “Check out the chick with the blue rack.” Ha ha ha ha, boobies get cold. Now, - such a classy venue, and – you know, one of my favourite things, to be honest, about Canada, is your currency is beautiful. It is so beautiful. I gotta tell you, in the United States, you take it for granted – in the U.S., our money has pictures of dead presidents: you guys have cool stuff like people playing hockey, on your money. A picture of the back of the Canadian five dollar bill is shown. It looks gorgeous. That’s beautiful. That’s really nice, yeah! Yeah, that’s really, that’s really cool. One of your bills though, seems to go a bit too far: check this out, I thought this was a bit too much. A picture of the front of the Canadian five dollar bill is shown, with a picture of Queen Elizabeth II sporting a Bauer hockey helmet, a bruise under her left eye, and missing her front tooth. Right! Now uh, - “There will be no Friday show now!” – you know, speaking of hockey, everyone knows that Toronto is a huge hockey town. Uh, of course there’s the beloved Maple Leafs, and uh, yeah - Conan begins to imitate a rabid Maple Leafs fan. “GO LEAFS!” Everywhere I go, no matter what I’m doing, the guy’s like, “GO LEAFS!” Yeah, okay! Alright! “GO LEAFS!” This guy thinks its China, and he runs around in a Leaf jersey, “GO LEAFS!” Ding dai wao? Well of course, the uh, the Hockey Hall Of Fame is here, and it’s home to the revered Stanley Cup. And uh, well we asked them, the Hall Of Fame was nice enough to loan us the Cup for tonight’s show. Here, listen to this, this is big. Here, bringing us the Stanley Cup, is a group of people who may never know what it’s like to hold a professional sports trophy. Please welcome the New York Mets! Three men in Mets jerseys wheel out the Stanley Cup, while Cher’s “Believe” plays in the background. We’re getting kicked out of here after Friday, and now we can’t go home. There’s nowhere – “Late Night from Barbados!” – FAN: I LOVE YOU CONAN! O'BRIEN: I love you too sir. Uh, huh huh…stick around. Now, you know, one of the uh, one of the real highlights of our trip to Toronto has been seeing the CN Tower, the world’s tallest free-standing structure. Uh now, since I’m from America, I’m also a big fan of America’s great tower, the Seattle Space Needle. Audience begins to boo the Seattle Space Needle. Ha ha ha ha, booing a tower, yeah. Well last night, - Conan again begins to imitate rabid Maple Leafs fans. “BAD TOWER! GO LEAFS! BOO SEATTLE TOWER!” Such a simple set of beliefs! Well last night, we tried to determine which tower was better by having them wrestle in a pit of mud, and the CN Tower emerged victorious. Take a look at that. A clip from the February 11 episode is shown, with the CN Tower defeating the Seattle Space Needle in a mud wrestling match. Well tonight, tonight I thought we’d do something a little different. Yesterday was a test of strength. Tonight, let’s have a test of speed. Allan, can we get a shot of our two runners, please? They’re in the lobby right now, there they are. They’re stretching out, getting ready. Always stretch! Towers should always stretch before they run. Now they’re going to be racing from outside the auditorium in the lobby, to the finish line up here on stage. Let’s get this thing started right now, it’s the CN Tower versus the Seattle Needle, yeah. Okay structures, on your mark, get set, go! The two men in rubber tower suits race through the Elgin Theatre, with “Ace Of Spades” by Motorhead playing in the background. OH NO! The Needle, the Seattle Needle is in the lead! The Seattle Needle is in the lead! It looks like the Seattle Needle may have it! May have won the race – A man in a Mountie suit sticks out his leg, knocking down the Seattle Needle, allowing the CN Tower to take the lead. OH NO! A Mountie! The Mountie came out of nowhere! It’s the CN Tower! That’s too bad! Too bad for the Needle, take him away there, Mountie. The Mountie is shown handcuffing the Seattle Space Needle, and leading it out of the theatre. Congratulations, CN Tower! That’s just how it goes, yeah. Alright…stupidest thing I think we’ve ever done. Now speaking of that, we’ve done a lot of humour about Toronto and Ontario, but let’s move things along here. There is one Canadian province that people here have some issues with, and vice versa, and that’s Quebec. They uh, let me explain. Quebec, they made their, they made French their first language. Uh, there’s been talk for years of splitting off, there’s animosity. We thought let’s investigate this, and send a correspondent to Quebec City, and who better, than Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog! We sent him to Quebec City during the Winter Carnaval, and uh, it wasn’t an easy assignment for Triumph, he had some difficulty, take a look. EXT. QUEBEC CITY TRIUMPH: Bonjour Quebecois! Quebecois! Triumph talks to a man on the streets of Quebec City. So you’re French and Canadian, yes? You’re obnoxious, and dull! Hee hee hee hee! The confused man responds in French. No, I’m saying you’re French, your obnoxious, and, no speak English. Alright, well just sit there and take it. EXT. TURF PUB Triumph talks to an old man. Quebec, yes? The Quebec? You’re from Quebec, yes? HORNY OLD MAN: Yes. Yeah. TRIUMPH: French and Canadian, so that means you’re obnoxious and dull. No? Nothing. Don’t get it. In here, out here, yes? You don’t get that. Quebec is a great, great place…for me to poop on! Poop…it’s crap, coming out of my butt. Quebec, yes? Triumph talks to a couple inside a shopping centre. I can tell you’re French. You know, you have that proud expression, that superior look, and I can smell your crotch from here. Triumph dances and sings with two old men. La la la, la la la, la la la! Bonjour, bonjour! MAN: Bonjour! TRIUMPH: Commence ca va? MAN: Quebec! TRIUMPH: You’re Quebecois? MAN: Oui! TRIUMPH: Quebecois, yes? Look at these two: the Canadian mountie, and the Canadian mounter! Mountie, mounter, no? No speaking the English. Triumph talks to a couple outside a store. MAN: Et tu jaime le sa bouche. TRIUMPH: No, no, I’m not George Bush. What’s with this country? I haven’t seen so many Bush haters since Ricky Martin’s loft party. Ricky Martin’s queer…he’s queer. MAN: En Quebec, vous parlez francais. TRIUMPH: Oui, oui. FRANCAIS FRANCAIS FRANCAIS! Everything’s francais, right? The man is shown walking off, swearing in French at Triumph. OHH! You’re in North America, learn the language! Various street signs are shown in French; a stop sign (arret), FRENCHIE - No parking on this street (non carpark dans cette rue), FRENCHIE - Couillard Street (rue Couillard). FRANCAIS! You’re sick of this right? Triumph talks to a huskie dog in the backseat of a passing car. Sick of the French, yes? I’m going to take back this country, NOW! Triumph is seen replacing French street signs with English ones, as Stompin’ Tom Connors’ “Canada Day, Up Canada Way” plays in the background. He replaces rue de Glacis with “Ice Street.” He replaces rue de Soeurs-de-la-Charite with “Sisters of Charity Street.” He replaces rue Couillard with “Rue des Pussies.” He replaces rue Saint-Flavien with “Celine Dion Sucks Street.” He replaces rue des Remparts with “Eat me Frenchie Street” He is shown laughing at a sign saying “Quebecqueer Street” in the background, as the scene ends. WHEE HEE HEE! HEE HEE! OH YES! INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT The waiter brings Triumph a bottle of wine, and holds the cork under his nose to smell. Hmm – yes, that’s very good. Thank you very much. The waiter then brings Triumph a female dog, and holds the dog’s rear end under his nose to smell. Yes, oh - that’s very good. Thank you very much. The waiter then sits the dog down across from Triumph, and brings them two dishes. Finally, food. Triumph spits up his food and throws it off the table in disgust. Oh my god! What are we waiting for? Let’s get to it. Triumph begins humping the other dog on the table, to the shock of other patrons. Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, OHH YES! Whooo, baby! Triumph takes a sip of wine, and continues the humping. EXT. BERLITZ TRANSLATION AGENCY Triumph is shown walking out with a French-English translator to accompany him. Good, good. I’ll just need you for a couple of hours. EXT. TURF PUB Triumph finds the old man from earlier. Remember me? Remember me? HORNY OLD MAN: Oui. TRIUMPH: Okay. So you’re French and Canadian? So that means you’re dull and obnoxious. MAN: Heh heh heh heh! TRIUMPH: Okay. EXT. QUEBEC CITY Triumph speaks to a man on the street. TRANSLATOR: Yes, I live in Quebec. TRIUMPH: You live in Quebec, good. It’s very exciting here. It’s kind of like the Bering Strait without the activity. MAN: Uhh…okay. TRIUMPH: Okay…very good. Good answer. Tell me, does your national healthcare cover personality implants? EXT. TURF PUB Triumph returns to the old man once again. Your breath, smells like my crap! HORNY OLD MAN: Heh heh heh heh! TRIUMPH: He’ll laugh at anything, he’s a horny son of a bitch. INT. SHOPPING CENTRE Triumph speaks to a rotund man. Look at this. I thought Babar lived in Paris. Hee hee. The man begins to argue with the translator, obviously upset with Triumph’s remarks. Alright, okay. It was just a joke. TRANSLATOR: He’s known worldwide. TRIUMPH: Good, yes, yes you are. Are you a separatist? MAN: No. TRIUMPH: Yeah, maybe you should try separating yourself from donuts first. EXT. TURF PUB We see the horny old man yet again. Keep groping, you son of a bitch! Only one of us is getting warmer, and it’s not me! HORNY OLD MAN: Heh heh heh heh! TRIUMPH: Your prick is harder than Michael Jackson at Disneyland! Triumph speaks to a young woman outside the Turf Pub. I’m sorry, I need a translator, my French isn’t too good. You know, I only know the basic French expressions, like, “I surrender.” The horny old man walks by again as Triumph is talking. GET AWAY FROM HER! EXT. QUEBEC WINTER CARNAVAL Young children are shown at the 2004 Winter Carnaval, eating snow, drenched with piping hot maple syrup, off of popsicle sticks, a carnival tradition, as a Carnaval song plays in the background. Triumph then tries to take a bite, but the syrup gets stuck in his mouth. Triumph then pees in the snow, and watches as two children and their parent eat it off the popsicle sticks. EXT. QUEBEC CITY Triumph speaks to a bilingual couple. Ah, you speak English! What do you think of Toronto? GUY: Great city. GIRL: It’s okay. TRIUMPH: It’s okay. Just okay? It’s no Quebec? No Quebecois? GIRL: No. TRIUMPH: Are you separatists? GIRL: Yeah! GUY: Yeah, of course! TRIUMPH: You want to separate? GUY: Of course! GIRL: Yeah! 100 percent! TRIUMPH: Separate? Well…shh, shh. Listen, listen closely, hear that? It’s the sound of nobody giving a shit! Triumph is shown dancing around Quebec City, reminiscing about the time he’s had. Ohh, Quebec! Ohhhh, Quebecois! INT. ELGIN THEATRE O’BRIEN: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog everybody! We’ll be right back with Adam Sandler! Take it away, Triumph! TRIUMPH: BONJOUR! BONJOUR CANADA! COMMERCIAL O’BRIEN: Alright everybody, we are back. It’s pretty loud wherever you go here. You know, uh, during the show I always like to have a quick chat with our band leader, Max Weinberg. And uh, since we’re here in Canada, I thought what better way to it than with yet another, official Canadian Small Talk Moment. CANADIAN SMALL TALK MOMENT- Conan & Max both throw on Team Canada hats. WEINBERG: Yeah Conan! So Conan, who do you like in the May election? O’BRIEN: Well, I hate to say it Max, but Tony Clement looked real good on the CBC last night, and between the Auditor General’s report and the Clarity Bill, I don’t see the Liberals taking much more than Mississauga. That is of course, if Martin Cauchon stays out of the race. WEINBERG: Are you drunk, O’Brien? With ethnic swamping in the lower mainland, the Federal Liberal seats in Ontario are safer than snow on a Cranbrook sidewalk! And if Ujjal Dosanjh launches his anti-Dhaliwal campaign, Vancouver South is gonna be greener than Newton-North Delta. Conan and Max each exchange blank stares to end the CANADIAN SMALL TALK MOMENT. O’BRIEN: Alright everybody. My first guest is one of the biggest movie stars in the world. His latest movie, 50 First Dates, opens tomorrow. Please welcome, Adam Sandler! Oh man, that’s nice. SANDLER: Thank you, thank you. Sandler gets up and grabs a t-shirt given to him by an audience member. That’s my uh, that’s my dog, Meatball. O’BRIEN: Oh…that’s nice. SANDLER: Thank you. That’s real nice of you. O’BRIEN: That’s very sweet. There’s a lot of love here. FAN: GOOD TO SEE YOU! SANDLER: Nice to see you too buddy. O’BRIEN: Very nice people here. SANDLER: Oh, yeah! O’BRIEN: You know, and – SANDLER: That’s right Conan. O’BRIEN: And this is a lot of love for you to be getting, considering you’re the only, the only non-Canadian here, really. When you think the whole week, you’re the only non-Canadian. SANDLER: I’m Canadian. Yeah, no, I grew up here. O’BRIEN: You’re Canadian? SANDLER: I grew up here. O’BRIEN: Where’d you grow up? SANDLER: In Canada. O’BRIEN: You grew up in Canada? SANDLER: In, uh, Sasquatchenon. And uh, but I didn’t live there my whole entire life. When I was in first grade, I moved to Fat Albert-a. And then uh – O’BRIEN: Very nice. Very nice, really. SANDLER: My uh, my grandparents are from uh, Winnie The Pooh-ipeg. I got a lot of blood here. O’BRIEN: It’s pretty windy there, yeah. Now who, uh, I’m just curious, cause I thought you grew up in New Hampshire. SANDLER: No, no, in Canada. O’BRIEN: Okay, yeah. Who was the first Prime Minister of Canada? I’m just curious. SANDLER: What do you mean? O’BRIEN: Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, yeah. SANDLER: Uh, Prime Minister, Prime Minister Labatt. O’BRIEN: Labatt’s? Yeah, great. You’re good, you’re very good! SANDLER: OH! And the second Prime Minister, Canadian Bacon. O’BRIEN: Nice. Ha ha you’re the worst. SANDLER: I know, I’m bad with everything. O’BRIEN: Now let me ask you, I haven’t seen you in a while, how’s uh, how’s the married life treating you? SANDLER: Actually, it’s pretty unbelievable. I recommend it, you can do it with her anytime you want…I didn’t get to do it with her 100%, with my wife, but uh, the other night, though, I got second base. O’BRIEN: Nice! Not too shabby. SANDLER: No, it was cool. She was sleeping, and I uh - O’BRIEN: Oh for god sakes! Sandler begins making a breast squeezing motion with his hand. That’s the creepiest thing! That’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen! SANDLER: No, they like that! If you go like this! O’BRIEN: Yeah right. SANDLER: If you just touch and do this, that’s nothing, you gotta – Conan begins to imitate the breast squeezing motion. O’BRIEN: AAARRRRH! You guys get along? Are you compatible? SANDLER: She’s uh, trying to control me a little bit, since we’re married. O’BRIEN: Oh, that’s too bad. SANDLER: I’ve noticed that. She tells me what sweatpants to wear, you know, that kinda stuff. You know, uh, “I think you should wear the red ones!” “I WANT THE GREEN ONES!” “Green doesn’t go with the grey ones!” “THEY FIT ME BETTER!” O’BRIEN: Sounds like hell, yeah. Are you two thinking about, – she seems fantastic – have you been thinking about having kids? SANDLER: Yeah, we’re gonna have kids…we’re trying to. There’s this process involved with the uh – FAN: YOU CAN DO IT! O’BRIEN: YOU CAN DO IT! SANDLER: I CAN DO IT ALLLL NIGHT LONG! No, uh, it’s not good – O’BRIEN: We had such a classy show before you came out here! SANDLER: Yeah, I know! O’BRIEN: We dragged you into the muck! Oh wait, no we didn’t. No, but you’re really thinking about doing it? SANDLER: The ovulation, you uh, the woman has to ovulate, or something. O’BRIEN: Yeah. Or something! SANDLER: Some word she keeps throwing at me. “I have to ovulate,” and uh, so uh, and there’s a certain time of the month they ovulate, and she tells me, you know, “Friday, I should be ovulating, so try to, try to hold back from, you know, hold your sperm in you for a little while,” you know. She always tells me to hold on to it, you know, like don’t, and she said not to, uh, masturbate. So, you know, cause she said – O’BRIEN: Whispering that word helps, yeah. There’s a giant mike right here. SANDLER: She said not to - Sandler makes a classic sound only Adam Sandler can make, and if you have seen films like Billy Madison or Little Nicky, you will know what I mean. So uh, so uh – O’BRIEN: So you had to show some control, yeah. SANDLER: Yeah. So she told me don’t masturbate till, uh, about 5 days worth of that, and then we finally did it on Ovulation Day. And uh, she uh, and so, she was like, “Wow, that uh, wasn’t that powerful, you know, for not masturbating for 5 days.” And I said, “Well you said don’t masturbate, but nothing about dry-humping the bed.” That’s pretty dirty! O’BRIEN: These are uh, warm, these are heartfelt stories. SANDLER: No no no! I’m sorry. O’BRIEN: Yeah. Now I wanna talk – I just mentioned something, and I don’t know how you – you also mentioned you’ve had a very tough fall. We’ve known each other for a long time, and your dad passed away, and that must be very difficult. SANDLER: It is. I was very close with my dad. He was the man, I loved him. Uh, he got sick, he got sick this year, but uh, and I do miss him, and I do think of him all the time. But, the uh, my mother always tells me he’s in heaven now, and uh, he’s gettin to hang out with grandma and grandpa, and Uncle Dave, and Aunt Fay, and I know that’s probably what he wants to do, but I got a feeling Farley keeps bothering him every day. “Uh sir, you wanna go watch Adam in the shower?” O’BRIEN: Ha ha ha ha! That’s what Farley would want to do! Yeah. SANDLER: “No uh, Chris, I saw him naked when he was 11, that’s enough.” “Alright, I’m gonna go spy on J-Lo.” “Alright Chris, I’ll come with you.” O’BRIEN: Yeah. Have you been – I mean – SANDLER: Yeah, I went and visited my uh, my – the tough thing about my father being gone is my – he was the only guy who could interrupt my mother’s blab-a-thons, you know. Like my mother, talking to us, and my father would go, “ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!” You know, and everyone was like phew, damn, alright, the story’s over. But now that my father’s gone, I gotta just sit there and listen to my mother, and I do like uh, fake call waiting, uh, when I’m on the phone with her. I’m like, “Baadoop! Uh, hang on ma.” O’BRIEN: It doesn’t go baadoop! SANDLER: Ha ha, no she don’t fall for that. O’BRIEN: Baadoop! Adam… SANDLER: Yeah, I went to his uh, I visited, he’s in New Hampshire, he’s uh, buried in New Hampshire, so I visited him. And uh, in the Jewish religion, you’re supposed to bring a rock when you visit the uh, tombstone, so you leave the rock there, and uh, to show you came, and uh, you know, and it doesn’t blow away, so everyone who comes drops a rock off on it. So my mother told me to do this, and my brother, my brother was driving me there, and I said, “Oh man, I forgot a rock! Mom wanted me to bring a rock.” And he goes, “don’t worry, just -”, and I go, “No, I gotta put the rock - ”, and he says, “Just talk to dad, you know, do what you got to do, go there, I’ll handle it, I’ll get it.” So I’m in front of the tombstone, you know, doing my thing, and I look over, and like 20 graves over, I see my brother, picking up a rock. O’BRIEN: He took it from another – SANDLER: From another guy. “This guy’s got like 400, he won’t miss it!” O’BRIEN: Ha ha ha ha…you can’t do that! I don’t think…I guess you can. SANDLER: Who knows, Conan? O’BRIEN: Now uh, this movie, you got 50 First Dates, and uh, you’re working of course with someone you work great with, Drew Barrymore. You two have a good thing together, you guys are working again. Do you guys have a lot in common? SANDLER: Yeah. She’s a great girl. Well, they say there’s chemistry on-screen, and I think that’s cause we have a lot in common. You know, uh, we both battled with uh, teenage addiction, you know, Drew of course with alcohol and drugs, and me with picking my nose and eating it, so we uh, we both got past that, and you know, we both – O’BRIEN: That was a 12 step program you went through to free yourself of it. We’re here for you man. SANDLER: Thanks man. O'BRIEN: Do you feel that you’ve grown as an actor? Since you worked with her the first time? SANDLER: Well yeah. I think I’m getting better as an actor. Like in The Wedding Singer, when her character said, when her character finally says that she loved me, my guy was kinda like – Classic Sandler sound. You know, like that. But now, as I’ve matured, in this movie, when she tells me she loves me, I’m more like – Another classic Sandler sound. You know what I mean? I kinda – O'BRIEN: Like her, it’s an understated performance, yeah. SANDLER: Yeah, cause it’s not – it’s a big screen, you don’t gotta really – O'BRIEN: Now, we uh, we have a clip here from 50 First Dates, so help us set up – SANDLER: This is a uh, scene when my character, uh finally – he dates Drew a lot, but she always thinks it’s the first date, so he doesn’t really get to go much further than a kiss. And its been about 25 dates already, and he’s uh, losing his marbles, so uh, he finally – this is the big night, he finally tricks her, or somehow gets her to uh – he’s about to go the distance. Alright. O'BRIEN: Let’s take a look at this clip from 50 First Dates. Clip from 50 First Dates is shown, starring Sandler as Henry Roth, and Drew Barrymore as Lucy Whitmore. They are shown in Henry’s room, watching two dolphins through a window to a dolphin tank. Marvin Gaye is heard playing in the background. LUCY: Oh wow, look! They’re uh – they’re nodding, in approval, I hope. HENRY: Oh yeah, they like you! Lemme get em out of here. Mary Kate, Ashley, get on out, thank you! LUCY: Oh, they’re very nice though. HENRY: Let me get you down slow… LUCY: Hee hee, thank you! Henry and Lucy begin to make out, as the camera pans to the tank, where Rob Schneider, as Ula, swims up to spy on the two from inside the tank, to end the clip. SANDLER: Allllright… O'BRIEN: He’s always, he’s always popping up somewhere. SANDLER: Ha ha ha…yeah Schneider, Schneider’s hilarious. O'BRIEN: Uh, 50 First Dates opens tomorrow, and uh, all of Toronto and myself, we thank you for coming up here. You’re a good man. SANDLER: Oh man, I love it! O'BRIEN: Adam Sandler! Stompin’ Tom Connors coming up, we’ll take a break, we’ll be right back. COMMERCIAL Alright everybody, we’re back, sittin here with my good pal, Adam Sandler. Oh, thank you, god bless you all. Stompin’ Tom Connors gonna be out here in a second, but first, there’s a character – there’s a character that loves to stop by our show. People always seem happy to see him. This guy simply travels the world, handing out Preparation H to anyone that wants it. This is his first time in Toronto, please welcome, Preparation H Raymond. RAYMOND: Oh, hello! Good to see you! If your crack is red and tender Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here Put this cream on your rear-ender Raymond’s here to help OHHHHHHHHHH If hemorrhoids make it so you can’t budge Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here Use this cream where you make fudge Raymond’s here to help OHHHHHHHHHH Alright, well that’s nice. Hello there, Conan! O'BRIEN: Hey there uh, Raymond. What’s new? RAYMOND: Well Conan, I have a question. Do you ever have that feeling that something’s wrong, but it still feels so right? O'BRIEN: Yeah, I guess we all have that feeling sometimes, yeah. RAYMOND: Yeah, well since coming to Canada, I have been seduced by a wild temptress, and I must confess, I have been a bit naughty. O'BRIEN: Well, Raymond, Raymond, what’s going on? RAYMOND: Well I never thought I’d hear myself say it, but Preparation H Raymond is a-switching brands! O'BRIEN: Raymond, no! RAYMOND: That’s true folks! This cowpoke has handed out his last tube of the H. For I have found a smoother, more invigorating Canadian cream, made right here! It’s true! Now let me tell you about it! It’s got gentle ammo leans, with real rump-soothing pleasures. So say farewell to Preparation H Raymond, and say hello to the new, more satisfying Nupercainal Raymond! Yeah. O'BRIEN: Nupercainal? RAYMOND: Check it out, that’s its real name. Nuper rhymes with super, and cainal rhymes with anal! So you know this is pretty super on your anal area! O'BRIEN: Yeah, yeah, I guess – I guess that makes a lot of sense. RAYMOND: It certainly does make sense. So listen up! If you’ve got pain in the crack of your bun Raymond’s here, Raymond’s here HOW BOUT NUPERCAINAL FOR EVERYONE! Raymond’s here to help Oh yeah, whoo! There you go folks! O'BRIEN: Well, Stompin’ Tom Connors coming up, stick around, we’ll be right back. COMMERCIAL Alright everybody, we’re back. We got a great show tonight, we got a great show coming up tomorrow night! On this program, Mr. Jim Carrey is going to be stopping by, from Will & Grace, Eric McCormack’s going to be here, musical guest Barenaked Ladies, so watch that show, we’ll see you then. Folks as you all know, gay marriage is legal here in Canada, and that’s had a big impact on our little Late Night family. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome for the very first time as man and man, our announcer Joel Godard and his Asian boy-toy Toshi! Godard and Toshi are shown on the balcony, Toshi wearing only a pair of short-shorts, and Godard in a wedding dress, bouquet, veil and all. Terrific, well, we’re all very happy for you Joel. And, I understand that you have more big news, Joel. More big news. GODARD: That’s right Conan. I’m pregnant! O'BRIEN: We’re very happy for you. We’ll take a break, when we come back, Stompin’ Tom Connors is here! We’ll see you in a bit! COMMERCIAL Conan is shown onstage, wearing a red toque. Thank you. Terrific, alright. My next guest – my next guest, my next guest is a legend here in Canada. His greatest hits collection called Souvenirs is in stores now. He’s here tonight to perform one of his most famous songs. Please welcome Stompin’ Tom Connors! Stompin’ Tom Connors performs “The Hockey Song” from his album Souvenirs. Hello out there, we’re on the air It’s hockey night tonight The tension grows, the whistle blows And the puck goes down the ice The goalie jumps, the players bump The fans all go insane Someone roars, “Bobby scores!” At the good old hockey game Oh! The good old hockey game It’s the best game you can name And the best game you can name Is the good old hockey game CONNORS: Second Period: Where players dash, with skates a flash The home team trails behind But they grab the puck and go bursting up And they’re down across the line They storm the crease like bumblebees They travel like a burning flame You see them slide the puck inside It’s a 1-1 hockey game Oh! The good old hockey game It’s the best game you can name And the best game you can name Is the good old hockey game CONNORS: Third Period; last game of the playoffs too. This year, it’s gonna be between the New Jersey Devils, and the Toronto Maple Leafs. This is what’s gonna happen. Take me where, hockey players Face off down the rink The Stanley Cup is all filled up For the chance to win the drink Now the final flick, of the hockey stick The one gigantic scream The puck is in, the Leafs will win! At the good old hockey game Oh! The good old hockey game It’s the best game you can name And the best game you can name Is the good old hockey game One more time! The good old hockey game It’s the best game you can name And the best game you can name Is the good old hockey game CONNORS: HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES! O'BRIEN: Yeah! Yes indeed! Stompin’ Tom Connors everybody! Thank you very much sir! Thank you for helping us out! Stompin’ Tom Connors everybody, we’ll be right back. COMMERCIAL Alright everybody, I wanna thank Adam Sandler, I wanna thank Stompin’ Tom Connors, tomorrow night, Jim Carrey, Eric McCormack, Barenaked Ladies, we’ll see you then. Thank you very much! END SHOW CLOSING CREDITS EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Lorne Michaels EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Jeff Ross PRODUCER: Tracy King DIRECTED BY: Allan Kartun HEAD WRITER: Mike Sweeney WRITTEN BY: Chris Albers, Jose Arroyo, Andy Blitz, Kevin Dorff, Daniel J. Goor, Michael Gordon, Brian Kiley, Michael Koman, Demetri Martin, Brian McCann, Guy Nicolucci, Conan O’Brien, Allison Silverman, Brian Stack, Andrew Weinberg ADDITIONAL MATERIAL BY: Robert Smigel, Frank Smiley SUPERVISING PRODUCERS: Frank Smiley, Daniel Ferguson SEGMENT PRODUCER: Rachel Witlieb SENIOR TALENT EXECUTIVE: Paula Davis TALENT EXECUTIVES: Jim Pitt, Haleigh Raff MUSIC DIRECTOR: Max Weinberg LINE PRODUER: Geoffrey Addeo ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: Jordan Schlansky ASSOCIATE DIRECTORS: Maureen Smith, Billy Bollotino PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: Susan Santomauro TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: Gregory Aull PRODUCTION DESIGNER: Bobby Berg LIGHTING DIRECTOR: Fred Bock COSTUME DESIGNER: Deborah Shaw STAGE MANAGERS: Steve Hollander, Paul Tarascio ASSISTANTS TO CONAN O’BRIEN: Laurie Scollar, Patrick Stubbins SCRIPT COORDINATOR: Andrea Kail CASTING: Cecilia Pleva, Janine Michael RESEARCH: Kimberly Simon, Erika Ullman, Sharon Hardy, Nicole Savini WRITERS’ COORDINATOR: Ruth Sinanian ASSISTANT TO JEFF ROSS: Peter Sughrue TALENT COORDINATORS: Kristina Weldon, Kelly Davis ART DIRECTOR: Sherri Adler MUSIC COORDINATOR: Debbie Wunder ASSISTANT TO SEGMENT PRODUCERS: Aaron Bleyaert HOUSE BAND: Max Weinberg (drums), Jimmy Vivino (guitar), Mark “Love Man” Pender (trumpet), Richie “La Bamba” Rosenberg (trombone), Jerry Vivino (saxophone), Scott Healy (keyboards), Mike Merritt (bass) ASSOCIATE MUSIC DIRECTOR / ARRANGER: Jimmy Vivino GRAPHICS: Anne Elbaqali, Pierre Bernard Jr., Kevin Frank, Marty Geller, Bob Samartino ANOUNCER: Joel Godard TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG: Robert Smigel PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION FURNISHED BY: The Government of Ontario- Ministry of Tourism and Recreation, The Government of Canada- Toronto03 TORONTO FOOTAGE FURNISHED BY: CHUM Television ACCOMODATIONS FURNISHED BY: Fairmont Royal York Hotel, Delta Chelsea Hotel, Holiday Inn on King Street AIR TRAVEL FURNISHED BY: JetsGo Corporation EQUIPMENT FURNISHED BY: Dolby Laboratories, Inc. TICKETS FOR “LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BRIEN” CALL: (212) 664-3056 A Conaco, Broadway Video and NBC Studios production