I like when they like a joke here, they go, “Ha ha ha; GO LEAFS GO!” When towers get angry, they resort to extreme measures... I thought I’d do my part, and help protect this valuable border. We’re here to protect the border, but first, must moisturize! Okay, just step on my hand, and say, “You’ve been a bad boy.” He rhymed Gitche Gumee with Gitche Gumee. It's all in a day's work for Conan... Sometimes I get my whole hand in there, and just walk around like this. He stands on guard for thee... It’s terrible. What a bad idea! Never do that again! ... It's a beaver! It’s better the second time! I guess they’re my Canadian Posse. Usually the follicles keep it in! See, and everybody’s friends! You can say whatever you want! Nobody likes you Conan! NO ONE LIKES YOU AND YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ALONE! I think I’m one with the elements. It tastes like, MANIFEST DESTINY! I know the entire fall line-up, man. Have you ever done that before? It was exciting. Yeah, he sees what he wants and he goes for it. I didn’t feel right about that. Word up. That’s the problem son, you’ve got your stick all taped. I’m gonna have my Charlie Brown moment where I’m the hero and not the goat. There's a lot of pain in that child. Barenaked Ladies Ed Robertson of Barenaked Ladies The Max Weinberg 8?

START SHOW INT. ELGIN THEATRE O’BRIEN: Thank you! Give me your hat. Conan takes a fur hat from an audience member and makes faces with it on, as the crowd chants his name. Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Thank you very much everybody, settle down! Settle down honeys! Shhh…everybody settle down! Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Thank you! Everybody be cooool…thank you very much! Everybody shhh…alright. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much! Thank you! Now, welcome, I wanna welcome you to the show, welcome to the show, for those of you – for those of you who don’t know me, I’m the guy who was hired to make Don Cherry look good. And uh, they brought me in…We have to talk about – thank you very much – you know this is interesting. FAN: CONAN, YOU RULE! O’BRIEN: Oh yeah, you rule too…oh look, a Leaf jersey! Um – I thought I’d see that! It’s like a tuxedo at the prom! The audience begins to chant, “Go Leafs Go!” Alright, shh…yes, that’s right, go Leafs go, yes. We gotta get the word out on that team, I don’t think people know about them yet. Conan begins to imitate rabid Leaf fans. “GO LEAFS GO!” These guys all call each other, “GO LEAFS GO!” “YEAH, GO LEAFS GO!” “Uhhh…GO LEAFS GO!” “YEAH, GO LEAFS GO!” A lot to talk about, uh this is interesting. According to the local papers, some of the fans waiting in line to see our show have been spotted smoking joints. Yeah, and listen to this: yeah, yeah, when asked why, a fan said, “We want Conan to be funny whether he’s funny or not.” You know, you’ve showed – I wanna say this in all sincerity, you people have showed terrific hospitality. Uh, sadly though, it is time for me to get back – thank you – it is time for me to get back to my wife and baby in New York. I gotta get back. I gotta get back to the wife and baby in New York, yeah. But don’t you worry, don’t you worry, I’ll come back soon to visit my wife and baby in Toronto. I promise. A random woman in the audience is shown on camera as Conan’s “wife”, much to her surprise. Yes, yes…you know, this is interesting. This week a group of Canadian doctors said that people need to drink 3 litres of fluid a day, and the doctors said it’s ok if some of those fluids are beer. That’s what they said, yeah. True, yeah, the Canadian doctor said Labatt’s is a good choice, or, if you prefer water, drink Budweiser. That’s what they said. They did. Ha ha ha…they’re a sponsor, I’m screwed. Yesterday, I mentioned just how attractive your Canadian money is. For instance, your $20 bill has a beautiful picture of the Queen and a loon. It’s really very attractive. So we wondered at the show, what our $20 bill would look like with a queen and a loon. Take a look, I think it’s very nice. It came across well. A $20 U.S. bill is shown with pictures of a queen (Richard Simmons) and a loon (Michael Jackson). It’s a good – I like it. We’re gonna use that. I like when they like a joke here, they go, “Ha ha ha; GO LEAFS GO!” What did that have to do with anything? Well as I’ve been saying all week – FAN: I love you Conan! O’BRIEN: I love you too. As I’ve been saying all week, one of the uh, real highlights of our trip to Toronto, has been seeing the amazing CN Tower, the world’s tallest free-standing structure. But, and I gotta bring this up, as an American I’m also a big fan of America’s great tower, the Seattle Space Needle. Yeah, sorry. Well all week long, all week long we’ve been trying to determine which tower is better. Now, Wednesday night featured a test of strength, as we had them wrestle in a pit of mud, and the CN Tower emerged victorious. That was quite a contest. A clip from the February 11 episode is shown, with the CN Tower defeating the Seattle Space Needle in a mud wrestling match. Yeah, now uh last night featured a test of speed, as we had the two great structures race through the theatre, again the CN Tower was the winner. That was pretty exciting. A clip from the February 12 episode is shown, with the CN Tower defeating the Seattle Space Needle in a race through the Elgin Theatre. That’s not illegal, for a Mountie to help. Well tonight, the final challenge, a test of agility. And what better way to measure a giant free-standing structure’s agility, than with a limbo contest. Towers, come on out here. Very nice, yes, good job. The CN Tower, the Seattle Needle of course. Let’s get this set up here everybody, this is important, alright, very important here. Now uh, before we start towers, I think we should clear the air. The last two nights have been pretty rough, and I want you guys to show a little love here right now. Come on, let’s see it. Come on, you can do it. Can you do that? Come on…come on, yeah! The two towers reluctantly shake hands. That’s what it’s all about! Alright, let’s do this! The uh, Seattle Space Needle will go first. Seattle Space Needle, let’s have uh, let’s see some limbo action here. The Seattle Space Needle easily makes it under the bar. Very nice, very nice! Very nice. Alright, now the CN Tower will take a turn. CN Tower, go right ahead. The CN Tower attempts to cross under the bar, but buckles under its own weight and falls to the ground, thus winning the contest for the Seattle Space Needle. OH NO! Oh, that’s too bad! That’s too bad! It looks – it really does look like the uh winner tonight is gonna be uh, the Seattle Space Needle. The Seattle Space Needle was able to – As “Ace Of Spades” by Motorhead begins playing in the background, the CN Tower grabs a chair, and attacks the Space Needle from behind, breaking the chair over its head (?) to reverse the referee’s decision and to win the contest. NO! OH MY! CN Tower is the winner, ladies and gentlemen! CN Tower! Very nice, thank you. Good to have you here. I like – I like watching them sadly walk away. Now, it’s time to – thank you – it’s time to talk about something important. Canada and the United States share a border. It’s over 3000 miles long, and lately, everybody’s been concerned with security along that border. Well as many of you know, one of my great passions is public safety. So I decided to visit a nearby border crossing to see, if I could help out. Here’s what happened. EXT. QUEENSTON-LEWISTON BRIDGE OK, I’m at Niagara Falls. This is the border between the United States and Canada, United States there, Canada here. And uh, never has border safety been more important than it is right now, so I thought I’d do my part, and help out. Help protect this valuable border. Let’s do it. Conan is shown leaving the Niagara Falls Border Commission office wearing the uniform of a Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer. He is then shown looking out of a toll booth, towards the oncoming cars. This is uh, Joe Smith. Is that your real name? SMITH: Yeah, that’s my real name. O’BRIEN: Joe Smith. SMITH: Yes. O’BRIEN: And you work on the border? SMITH: Yes I do. O’BRIEN: You’re hiding from something, it’s clear. Conan is shown inside a toll booth, being instructed on how to operate it by Smith. Now how do I make this thing go up and down? SMITH: Uh, there’s a button right here, and then you just swing it. And there’s another button here, and if you really get mad, you just push here, and the alarm goes off. O’BRIEN: Do me a favour, Joe. Say, “I’m going to Canada now,” and start to walk that way. SMITH: I’m going to Canada now. O’BRIEN: I don’t think so! Conan then flips down the security arm, and sets off an alarm on Smith, laughing hysterically. Conan and Smith are then both shown inside the toll booth. Pretty tight fit in here. SMITH: Yeah. O’BRIEN: It’s kind of intimate, don’t you think? SMITH: Uh yeah, a little bit. O’BRIEN: You married? SMITH: Uh, no. O’BRIEN: I’m married. Just letting you know. SMITH: Okay. Conan and Smith are then shown going over more instructions inside the toll booth. O’BRIEN: We’ve got a heater – SMITH: We’ve got a bunch of receipt rolls, and we got some uh – O’BRIEN: What’s this moisturizing skin conditioner? You know, this is hurting the image of the law enforcement officer, I believe. This isn’t, you know? We’re here to protect the border, but first, must moisturize! Well I’m ready, ready to go. Conan is then shown looking out the toll booth with a pair of binoculars, towards the oncoming traffic. He is then shown standing in the middle of the lane, and then eventually guiding a jeep into the lane for questioning with his hands and a trusty whistle. I’d like to ask you a few questions. What are you ladies up to, huh? PASSENGER: We’re going for high tea. O’BRIEN: You’re going for tea in Canada, huh? Hah, what kind of tea would that be? Hmm? A little ol’ wacky tobacky, is that the idea? Can I ask you to step out please? Please step out, step out of the vehicle please. Let’s go! Step out of the vehicle! The woman in the drivers seat steps out of the vehicle. I’m going to have to frisk you quickly, I hope that’s not a problem. Arms up please. DRIVER: Oh my god! O’BRIEN: Kenneth, look at this shoe. I’m going to take a quick look at this shoe here. It’s a wonderful boot. It’s very nice. Could you lift this shoe please? Okay, can you just step on my hand please, and say, “You’ve been a bad boy.” DRIVER: You’ve been a bad boy. Conan gets back up, and is standing with the woman at the rear of her jeep with New York state license plates. O’BRIEN: Wanna blow my whistle? DRIVER: I’m not real good at that. O’BRIEN: I enjoyed watching it though. Conan is shown back at his post, as a white pickup truck pulls in. Whoa nelly, how are you sir? TERRY: I’m alright, how are you? O’BRIEN: What’s your name, sir? TERRY: Terry. O’BRIEN: And you are a resident of? TERRY: Brantford, Ontario. O’BRIEN: You’re from Brantford, huh? Now let me ask you something. First of all, uh a few quick questions we ask of all Canadians. What’s the Canadian state bird? Are you aware? TERRY: Uh, no I’m not. O’BRIEN: It’s a trick question. There’s no state bird for Canada. Uh Lake Ontario: if you filled it with chicken broth, how much chicken broth would that be? Terry gives no response. Trick question, why would someone do that? Once again, you’re doing very well here sir. Uh, can you sing Gordon Lightfoot’s “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald?” TERRY: I don’t remember. O’BRIEN: Would you like me to sing a little bit of it? TERRY: Uh, could you remind me? Conan sings a verse of the Gordon Lightfoot song, “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.” O’BRIEN: He rhymed Gitche Gumee with Gitche Gumee. That’s a nice rig. Do you mind if I walk around your vehicle and just check it, visually? TERRY: Go right ahead. Conan thoroughly examines the front of the truck, and carries a piece of snow back to the driver window. O’BRIEN: Sir, you were bringing this into Canada? Can you tell me what this is? TERRY: Uh, a little snow and ice. O’BRIEN: A little snow and ice: do you think Canada needs more snow and ice? Don’t think so! Conan is shown tossing a snowball at an oncoming car, and then is shown shoveling snow off the ground, and throwing it into the booth. Conan then approaches another toll booth to talk to a female customs agent. Hey. AGENT: Hi. O’BRIEN: How’s it going? AGENT: Good, how bout you? O’BRIEN: Pretty good. So you’re in this booth, huh? AGENT: I’m in this booth. O’BRIEN: I’m in that booth right over there. Ah, you got the double doors, huh? AGENT: I do. O’BRIEN: I got the single. AGENT: How’s that working for you? O’BRIEN: Well, I like the single, but I guess the double’s okay for some people. You like the uniform? AGENT: Very nice! O’BRIEN: You know what I like to do, is just keep my thumbs in here. Conan slips his thumbs under his belt. Sorta just – you like that? AGENT: I like it. O’BRIEN: And I just sort of like to stand around – but I like having my thumbs in here. Sometimes I get my whole hand in there, and just walk around like this. Pretty nice. I’ll be back this way. AGENT: Alright. O’BRIEN: Bye bye. Grrrowl! Conan is then shown in the toll booth, trying to throw a ball at the security arm, with Smith standing behind it to retrieve the ball. On the second try, Conan hits the ball, sending it flying. YEAH! YEAH! Conan is then shown interrogating a couple inside a car, searching the backseat. What’s your name? Hi, how are you? Okay, I see here a map of New York state. I see some areas are circled. What’s that mean? Conan then pulls a hammer from the backseat. Want to explain this right here? Huh? You want to explain this ma’am? Let me understand; you have a map of the New York state area, and a hammer. You gonna what, you gonna make a few plans, go around, do a little bashing? Is that the idea? Conan then pulls a cooler from the backseat. We got a cooler here. Do you wanna tell me what’s in this cooler, or do you want me to open it and find out what’s in this cooler? WOMAN: There’s beer in there. O’BRIEN: There’s beer in the cooler! I can’t just let this go, without finding out if it’s a real beer. Conan pulls out a can of Coors Light from the cooler, and begins to chug down the beer. MAN: It’s a real beer, Conan. O’BRIEN: I’M NOT SURE YET! SIR, REMAIN QUIET, WHILE I TEST THE BEER! I ASK THE QUESTIONS! That’s a real beer. Conan, supposedly drunk from the beer, begins guiding the car through the crossing. Let’s move it on through! Let’s bring it on back, and let’s move it on through! Let’s push it on out, and get out! Conan is then shown in a series of scenes that never made it to air; attempting to push an 18-wheeler truck from behind, that was supposedly smuggling small people into Canada; chasing a civilian through the snow, eventually tackling him to the ground; searching the back of a pickup truck that Conan ticketed for illegal importing of snow; going over papers with two women who were driving from St. Catherines to St. Catherines, supposedly in “circles;” doing something with Joe Smith inside a toll booth with their hands. Conan is then shown whistling down the 18 wheeler, while chasing it and throwing his clipboard at it. EXT. HORSESHOE FALLS Conan is then shown at Horseshoe Falls in Niagara Falls, Ontario, standing tall and proud for watching over this beloved country. INT. ELGIN THEATRE We got a great show! Jim Carrey is here when we come back! We’ll see you in a second! COMMERCIAL Yeah! It’s nice up here! My first guest can be seen in the upcoming film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Please give a big welcome home to Ontario’s own, Jim Carrey! CARREY: HELLO, T.O.! I LOVE THIS CITY! I love ketchup chips! I love Crunchie chocolate bars! I love Big Turks, and Fruitella! But what really keeps me coming back to T.O., is the music! There’s a place to stand And a place to grow They call this land Ontario A place to stand A place to grow Ontari-ari-ari-o Come on, Conan! Try the music of my native land! O’BRIEN: Alright! Ha ha! There’s a place to stand And a place to roam They call this land Ontario A place to stand A place to roam Ontari-ari-ari-o O’BRIEN: Yeah! Very nice! CARREY: Okay! Now we’re going to try to do it in the round, okay? O’BRIEN: Yeah! CARREY: This side first, but you really gotta concentrate. O’BRIEN: This side, then that side. Yeah! CARREY: Because it’s difficult. O’BRIEN: Very hard! There’s a place to stand And a place to grow They call this land Ontario A place to stand CARREY: This sounds really bad. O’BRIEN: It’s terrible. What a bad idea! Never do that again! CARREY: Let’s not do it anymore! A place to stand A place to grow Ontari-ari-ari-o O’BRIEN: Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! Very nice, thanks for – CARREY: CONAN O’BRIEN! O’BRIEN: Oh no, it’s Jim Carrey! CARREY: And Canada! O’BRIEN: Oh my god! CARREY: Yeah! Whoo! O’BRIEN: I gotta – Carrey begins to nibble on the edge of Conan’s desk, like a beaver. Now I can’t use that again! Stop that! CARREY: It’s a beaver! Like all Canadians on your show. O’BRIEN: Yeah, they’ve been chewing on the desk all week. CARREY: Just thinking, you know, the river’s dammed up! O’BRIEN: Uh, you know, I wanna, first of all – uh, we gotta thank you for coming up here to Toronto, this is a great thing. CARREY: You owe me a lot. O’BRIEN: Yes I do. CARREY: No, but – no, and you too as well. Isn’t this a wonderful thing for everybody? O’BRIEN: I mean, for you to be up here – CARREY: It’s truly great. Cause it’s been a hard, hard year for you guys, I know. There’s been the SARS thing, and there’s been, you know, the blackouts, and uh, pestilence, whatever else is going on up here. But uh, I got some good news. O’BRIEN: You got good news? CARREY: Yeah. I saved a ton – Fans in the audience scream out something, interrupting Carrey. Good timing, huh? O’BRIEN: Good timing on the joke there, yeah. CARREY: Let’s go back. O’BRIEN: Yeah, so uh – CARREY: But I got good news. O’BRIEN: You got good news? CARREY: Yeah. I spent uh – I saved a lot of money on my car insurance switching to Geico. OHH YEAH! It’s better the second time! O’BRIEN: It’s better! CARREY: It was better! O’BRIEN: Yeah. CARREY: And that’s amazing, the way in comedy, when something completely screws up, it creates another opportunity. O’BRIEN: Exactly! Yeah. An expectation. CARREY: That’s right. O’BRIEN: Very nice. Now uh, your head is sweating a lot right now. CARREY: Is it? Carrey turns around, and begins to rub his head on the seat cushion. O’BRIEN: Here! Conan pulls out a towel, and begins to dry Carrey’s head. Here we go! Now you, you’re still the – I thought you were the, you always seemed like a down to earth guy, same old guy that left this town, and went out to earn your fame and fortune. CARREY: Oh of course! I’m really filthy rich. O’BRIEN: You have – and you’ve, you’ve got – CARREY: Abnormally so. O’BRIEN: A lot of money! CARREY: WHOO WEE! O’BRIEN: But you’ve also uh, you’ve got a little – you’ve showed up with an entourage, which I found a little disappointing. CARREY: I know, it’s not like me, but when I come back to Canada there’s a lot of people I don’t get to see, and – so I brought a few people, you know, they just hang out with me, I guess they’re my Canadian Posse. O’BRIEN: This is your Canadian Posse? CARREY: Yeah, can I introduce some of them to you? O’BRIEN: Yeah, sure. Let’s see who they are. The Canadian Posse (The Amazing Kreskin, Peter Puck and the Quebec Carnaval Bonhomme walk onto the stage. CARREY: Okay. Uh that’s The Amazing Kreskin – O’BRIEN: The Amazing Kreskin right there. CARREY: Good to see you. OWW! O’BRIEN: Good to see you. How are you? CARREY: Uh, that’s Peter Puck of course, who taught me everything about hockey. O’BRIEN: Right, right. CARREY: And Bonhomme, from the Quebec Winter Carnival. Bonhomme, Bonhomme Ce’st tous je way Bonhomme, Bonhomme Ce’st tous je way Ce’st tous je way Ce’st vie oh lala Ce’st tous je way Ce’st vie oh lala Zing zing zing Ce’st vie oh lala Bonhomme! O'BRIEN: You’ve got to love Bonhomme. CARREY: There’s some good will with the French people for you. O'BRIEN: Oh, here you go. Now let me ask you something, Jim. You Canadians, you kind of have a wild sense of humour. Can you tell us anything about the Canadian sense of humour? Carrey begins to dry his head with a towel again. CARREY: Well – O'BRIEN: While you towel off. CARREY: Usually the follicles keep it in! O'BRIEN: Yeah. CARREY: Uh, yeah we have a weird sense of humour up here. The kind of thing that – ours was very rough, you know, with each other, when I was growing up. I had a – cause you know, very very strange, cutting sense of humour. But we always had a saving grace. We had a thing, and I don’t know if this is true of every Canadian, but we had a thing called the Kidding Face. O'BRIEN: The Kidding Face? CARREY: The Kidding Face lets your friend know that you don’t really mean what you’re saying. And then he does the Kidding Face back to you, letting you know that um, that he understands that you’re kidding. O'BRIEN: Can I see the Kidding Face? CARREY: Well, it would be like, “You’re an idiot!” Carrey does the Kidding Face to Conan. O'BRIEN: That’s very nice. CARREY: Is that right? I don’t know if that’s a distinctly Canadian thing, but it seems to me it is. O'BRIEN: Right, right. CARREY: Try, go ahead. O'BRIEN: Uh, “You’re a stupid guy!” Conan does the Kidding Face to Carrey. CARREY: See, and everybody’s friends! You can say whatever you want! O'BRIEN: That’s great. CARREY: It’s amazing! O'BRIEN: Yeah. CARREY: You, you, you’re dumb in every way and I hate your hair. Carrey does the Kidding Face to Conan. O'BRIEN: Hey, let me try one! Ha ha, you look stupid bald! Conan tries to do the Kidding Face to Carrey, but Carrey just stares back at Conan in anger. CARREY: That’s really funny man. O'BRIEN: Well, I did the face… CARREY: No, that’s really funny. O'BRIEN: Well, you said do the face, and I – CARREY: No, it’s just the one thing that I didn’t really want you to touch on, and you did. No, it’s fine. I mean, I guess that’s how you get your kicks out here. This “illusion of superiority” that you have. O'BRIEN: No, I swear to god, I’m sorry. CARREY: It’s all funny, puppet-master, you know, running everybody’s lives. Coming into another country, “Ooh I own the place.” Big deal. You’re no big deal up here, mister. You can’t be a star up here. You’re a normal person like everybody else. And guess what else? No one likes you Conan! NO ONE LIKES YOU AND YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ALONE! Carrey does the Kidding Face to Conan. O'BRIEN: Yeah! You had me! Jim Carrey everybody! We’ll have more with Jim Carrey, stick around! COMMERCIAL We’re back. I’m sitting here with, Mr. Jim Carrey. Carrey gets up and begins to dance spontaneously. Incredible control of your ass! It’s amazing! CARREY: I become liquid up here! O'BRIEN: Liquid! CARREY: I’m telling you. O'BRIEN: Now, um – CARREY: I think I’m one with the elements. O'BRIEN: Yes you have. Carrey again begins to nibble on Conan’s desk. We gotta start to put sound effects on that. Now I understand, this may be a sensitive subject up here, I understand Jim that you’re – that you’ve been trying very hard to get U.S. citizenship. CARREY: Yeah, that’s – I know, I understand, I know – O'BRIEN: Please, hear the man out, I think its only fair. CARREY: It’s difficult, because I know it’s never a popular thing, and it’s a very kind of a sticking subject. But, you know, I wanna vote, and, you know, my child goes to school there, and there’s a lot of reasons. O'BRIEN: Right, right. Well we have a little surprise for you. I know you’ve been trying to get this for a long time. Uh Jim, your U.S. citizenship has come through, we have Guy Secounder from the U.S. Department of Immigration and Naturalization here with your official documents. CARREY: Oh my god. O'BRIEN: All you have to do is sign a piece of paper, and you are a U.S. citizen! That’s all you have to do! Sorry. You get your passport – you sign that, they’ll give you a passport. Carrey signs the document to make him a United States citizen. O'BRIEN: There you go. And now, you get your passport, uh there you go. There’s your U.S. passport right there. CARREY: Oh my gosh! Wow! This is just fantastic. It truly is a real, this is a – no really, it’s a dream come true for me. I just have one question for you though, Mr. Secounder. Why would I wanna become a U.S. citizen when I’m from the greatest country in the world? You know what I think of your passport? Huh? You know what I think of your passport? Carrey begins to eat the passport. That’s what I think! That’s what I think of your passport. It tastes like, MANIFEST DESTINY! GET OUT OF HERE! MOVE IT! GET OUT OF HERE! MOVE IT! O'BRIEN: Oh my god! CARREY: CANADA! CANADA! CANADA! CANADA! CANADA! O'BRIEN: Where’s Jim going? Carrey runs into the backstage area to meet the U.S. Immigration agent. CARREY: Hey man, that was just a bit, right? Okay, do you have the real one? Oh great, thank you so much. O'BRIEN: Come on back out here Jim. CARREY: Boy! O'BRIEN: You know, it was great, it was terrific having you. I know you’re very busy, you made the time to come here to do the show, and – CARREY: No. O'BRIEN: Oh, you weren’t busy at all? You didn’t have anything to do? So pretty much your whole schedule was open, wasn’t it? CARREY: I know the entire fall line-up, man. O'BRIEN: It was great of you to come. CARREY: Great to be here. O'BRIEN: I just wish there was a nice way to get out of this segment, to end it on a high note. CARREY: Well, there’s one way. O'BRIEN: There’s one way? There’s a place to stand And a place to grow They call this land Ontario A place to stand A place to grow Ontari-ari-ari-o CARREY: Kidding Face! Both Conan and Carrey do the Kidding Face. O'BRIEN: Jim Carrey everybody! Eric McCormack will be right out. COMMERCIAL Very nice, we are back. We’re hosing off Jim Carrey backstage. You know my next guest tonight from his Emmy-award winning role as Will on Will & Grace. Straight from Scarborough, Ontario please welcome Eric McCormack! Good to have you here. McCORMACK: Good to be here! O'BRIEN: Nice to have you here. McCORMACK: Thank you! O'BRIEN: Have you ever done that before? It was exciting. McCORMACK: My homies! My homies! O'BRIEN: Now – nice to have you here on the show. McCORMACK: Thank you, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to follow Jim Carrey. It’s every actor’s dream! O'BRIEN: Enjoy, enjoy. Now – you just touched your man boob – now, so much to talk about. This is uh, this is an exciting thing. Last weekend, you sang at the NHL All-Star Game. McCORMACK: I sang the uh, national anthems at the All-Star Game. O'BRIEN: And that’s gotta be a nerve-racking experience, I would think. McCORMACK: It was really – initially – I sang both the American and the Canadian – I was originally only going to sing the Canadian, and uh, the American was to be sung by Justin Timberlake, but I just didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel safe around him. So…yeah. O'BRIEN: Every anthem should end that way, yeah. McCORMACK: Yeah, he sees what he wants and he goes for it. I didn’t feel right about that. O'BRIEN: Yeah. McCORMACK: But it’s an extremely nerve-racking experience to sing, the anthems of either country. You walk out on the ice, and it’s the red carpet, and uh, 19,000 people, and the hush falls over the crowd, and the last thing that happens is just before, all the players at the centre of the ice turn towards me, and my childhood just flashed back, and I thought, “Oh my god…they’re gonna beat the crap out of me!” I really felt that way. O'BRIEN: They’re all staring at you, and that took you back to that place as a child? McCORMACK: I’m afraid so. O'BRIEN: Were you a hockey player when you were a kid? McCORMACK: Uh, you know, I should have been. I was born the night the Leafs won the Stanley Cup. O'BRIEN: Which, this is interesting, cause I just found this out the other day. You were born April 18, - McCORMACK: 1963. O'BRIEN: 1963. That’s also my – the day I was born – I was born when the Leafs won, the uh – McCORMACK: That’s right. O'BRIEN: That’s incredible! This is a coming together! McCORMACK: We could have been separated at birth. O'BRIEN: We probably are. We look so much alike. McCORMACK: We’re practically identical. Um, and actually, my doctor left the game to deliver me, and went back for the third period, so I mean I should, I should be a hockey guy, but sadly, I was pathetic. I truly was pathetic. Uh, you know the kids would be playing road hockey, and I’d be riding my bike around pretending I was the guy driving the Zamboni. I thought he had the more colourful job. O'BRIEN: Yeah. It’s less aerobic too. FANS: RYERSON THEATRE! McCORMACK: Yes! O'BRIEN: Yeah. That’s your theatre group I guess. McCORMACK: Yes, and I went to the Ryerson Theatre School. Word up. O'BRIEN: How bad – give us an idea, like paint a picture for us. How bad were you at hockey. McCORMACK: Let me tell you this – I have two hockey memories. One was – I hate to admit this on national television, but I was circumcised at five. That’s – O'BRIEN: Hey, try thirty-five. McCORMACK: Wow. I thought five was fashionably late, but you’re – wow. O'BRIEN: Well, you know… McCORMACK: You missed the party all together. Uh, so there I am, I’m five years old – you know, when you’re up here, it just sounds like – McCormack imitates the rabid Toronto fans’ screaming out during the conversation. O'BRIEN: Yeah, yeah, that isn’t really helping. Conan then imitates the rabid Toronto fans’ screaming out during the conversation. McCORMACK: Uh, cause the words are designed to go that way! O'BRIEN: Yeah. McCORMACK: Um, but when I was five – so I come home from the hospital, and I’m wearing – I’ve got no pants on, I’ve got the bandage around my penis, my little hockey jersey on. And I’m standing at the door, and I remember this, I was pressed up against the glass, going, “Dad, I wanna go outside and play hockey with the kids! I got my stick all taped!” And my dad’s like, “Yeah.” He said, “That’s the problem son, you’ve got your stick all taped.” O'BRIEN: Yeah. McCORMACK: But the only memory I really have of being a hockey player – my friend Bill and I, Bill’s out there somewhere tonight, Bill? Word up. Where? Yeah. Bill yells out from the audience. O'BRIEN: Yeah that’s good. Someone else to shout out, yeah. Someone we haven’t heard from yet. McCORMACK: Bill and I took hockey lessons, which is so sad somehow. We’re eight years old, and, you know, I was terrible. But the final night of hockey lessons, I’m so excited, it’s going to be over. And I get a breakaway! I have the puck, it’s gonna happen! I’m gonna have my Charlie Brown moment where I’m the hero and not the goat. And I’m skating, and I’m so excited that I fall over my skates, and the puck sort of dribbles in front of me. And the goalie was laughing so hard, that I scored. And that’s my one – O'BRIEN: Ha ha ha…that’s a good technique. That’s my hockey technique. McCORMACK: Ha ha…yeah, I saw that the other night. O'BRIEN: My hockey technique is so – be so laughably bad, that they’re not paying attention. McCORMACK: It throws them. O'BRIEN: It works every time. McCORMACK: Uh huh. O'BRIEN: Tell me quickly, how’s fatherhood going? I know that you’re a dad now. McCORMACK: Uh, its fantastic – congratulations to you! O'BRIEN: Thank you, thank you. McCORMACK: Four months old, right? O'BRIEN: Yeah, yup. McCORMACK: Um, Finnigan is a year and a half now, and he’s got this new thing. My wife gave him a harmonica, which he took to very very quickly. And I mean, the whole breathing in and out thing, he got a kind of a slow blues-y thing happening. And uh, one night we, you know, we sent him to bed, and he’s – he didn’t want to go, he’s crying, and we just left him. And the crying subsided, half an hour went by, we assumed he’s asleep. And then this sort of, this plaintiff wail of the harmonica came from the room, and I went in. I peeked in, and there he is, he’s behind the bars of his crib – Goin to see Mrs. Liza Gonna go to Mississippi O'BRIEN: We waw waw…wow, that’s great. That’s great, there’s a lot of pain in that child. McCORMACK: Sure, I’m very proud. Very proud. O'BRIEN: Um, uh, I gotta mention this very quickly, cause Mike Myers started off this week. McCORMACK: I saw, yes. O'BRIEN: Of course, he gave a shout out to you. You guys were in – you actually went to high school together. McCORMACK: It’s so crazy. I didn’t know Mike that well. He was sort of like class clown with the cool kids, and the smoking kids, and I was – I was wearing leg-warmers with the theatre fags. That was sort of, my – O'BRIEN: Wow. This is good therapy for you, to get it all out. McCORMACK: I gotta get it out! I gotta shout out! O'BRIEN: Yeah. Well of course, Will & Grace airs Thursday nights at 8:30 on NBC. Uh, I know I speak for everyone here that they were thrilled that you could come back, and everyone’s so proud of you. McCORMACK: Well, I – O'BRIEN: You’re a good man. We’ll be right back. Barenaked Ladies gonna be here! Stick around. COMMERCIAL Alright everybody, we are back. To be honest, our visit to Toronto wouldn’t be complete without a visit from my next guests. Here with a song from their latest album Everything To Everyone, are Barenaked Ladies. Barenaked Ladies perform “Testing 1,2,3” from the album Everything To Everyone. Maybe it would be fun To get a new opinion Get a little work done And forget Maybe it would be cool If I rocked it old school Try to break a gold rule And a sweat Better than the first time Better than the worst time If I could just reverse time I'd be set Testing 1,2,3 Can anybody hear me? If I shed the irony Would anybody cheer me? If I acted less like me Would I be in the clear? She got a new apartment It's out on the escarpment And in her glove compartment Are my songs She hasn't even heard them Since she found out what the words meant She decided she preferred them All wrong Kind of like the last time With a bunch of really fast rhymes If we're living in the past time Soon gone Testing 1,2,3 Can anybody hear me? If I shed the irony Would anybody cheer me? If I acted less like me Would I be in the clear? We recognize the present Is half as pleasant As our nostalgia for The past'll be presented Recast and reinvented Until it's how we meant it Testing 1,2,3 Can anybody hear me? If I shed the irony Would anybody cheer me? If I acted less like me Would I be in the clear? He's everything that you need You wiped out on your ten speed And either he will succeed Or just suck Testing 1,2,3 Can anybody hear me? If I shed the irony Would anybody cheer me? If I acted less like me Would I be in the clear? Begin the... Testing 1,2,3 Can anybody hear me? If I shed the irony Would anybody cheer me? If I acted less like me Would I be in the clear, G? Testing 1,2,3 Testing 1,2,3 Barenaked Ladies everybody! We’ll be right back, stick around! COMMERCIAL Alright, I want to uh – I just wanna take a second and thank Jim Carrey, Eric McCormack, Barenaked Ladies. I wanna thank the entire staff and crew of this beautiful Elgin Theatre, it’s one of the nicest venues I think I’ve ever seen. I wanna thank my staff at Late Night for doing such an amazing job, and to the people of Toronto, and all of Canada, I wanna thank you – thank you for sharing your amazing talent, your hospitality, and your terrific spirit. Thank you very much, goodnight. Take care, bye. Jim Carrey is then shown playing the bongos with the Max Weinberg 7, during a jazz rendition of the Canadian national anthem, “O Canada,” sporting a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey with “CARREY 04” stiched on the back, as the week of Late Night with Conan O’Brien in Toronto comes to an end. END SHOW CLOSING CREDITS EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Lorne Michaels EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Jeff Ross PRODUCER: Tracy King DIRECTED BY: Allan Kartun HEAD WRITER: Mike Sweeney WRITTEN BY: Chris Albers, Jose Arroyo, Andy Blitz, Kevin Dorff, Daniel J. Goor, Michael Gordon, Brian Kiley, Michael Koman, Demetri Martin, Brian McCann, Guy Nicolucci, Conan O’Brien, Allison Silverman, Brian Stack, Andrew Weinberg SUPERVISING PRODUCERS: Frank Smiley, Daniel Ferguson SEGMENT PRODUCER: Rachel Witlieb SENIOR TALENT EXECUTIVE: Paula Davis TALENT EXECUTIVES: Jim Pitt, Haleigh Raff MUSIC DIRECTOR: Max Weinberg LINE PRODUER: Geoffrey Addeo ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: Jordan Schlansky ASSOCIATE DIRECTORS: Maureen Smith, Billy Bollotino PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: Susan Santomauro TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: Gregory Aull PRODUCTION DESIGNER: Bobby Berg LIGHTING DIRECTOR: Fred Bock COSTUME DESIGNER: Deborah Shaw STAGE MANAGERS: Steve Hollander, Paul Tarascio ASSISTANTS TO CONAN O’BRIEN: Laurie Scollar, Patrick Stubbins SCRIPT COORDINATOR: Andrea Kail CASTING: Cecilia Pleva, Janine Michael RESEARCH: Kimberly Simon, Erika Ullman, Sharon Hardy, Nicole Savini WRITERS’ COORDINATOR: Ruth Sinanian ASSISTANT TO JEFF ROSS: Peter Sughrue TALENT COORDINATORS: Kristina Weldon, Kelly Davis ART DIRECTOR: Sherri Adler MUSIC COORDINATOR: Debbie Wunder ASSISTANT TO SEGMENT PRODUCERS: Aaron Bleyaert HOUSE BAND: Max Weinberg (drums), Jimmy Vivino (guitar), Mark “Love Man” Pender (trumpet), Richie “La Bamba” Rosenberg (trombone), Jerry Vivino (saxophone), Scott Healy (keyboards), Mike Merritt (bass) ASSOCIATE MUSIC DIRECTOR / ARRANGER: Jimmy Vivino GRAPHICS: Anne Elbaqali, Pierre Bernard Jr., Kevin Frank, Marty Geller, Bob Samartino ANOUNCER: Joel Godard PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION FURNISHED BY: The Government of Ontario- Ministry of Tourism and Recreation, The Government of Canada- Toronto03 TORONTO FOOTAGE FURNISHED BY: CHUM Television ACCOMODATIONS FURNISHED BY: Fairmont Royal York Hotel, Delta Chelsea Hotel, Holiday Inn on King Street AIR TRAVEL FURNISHED BY: JetsGo Corporation EQUIPMENT FURNISHED BY: Dolby Laboratories, Inc. MUSICAL EQUIPMENT FURNISHED BY: Drum Workshop, Gibson USA, Vox USA, Yamaha, Mackie, Kurzweil / Young, Chang, Lexicon, Casio, Mortoro Arch Top Guitars, Aguilar Amps, King Trombones, Peavey, B & S Challenger Trumpets, Line 6, St. John’s Music / Yamaha Canada Music, Coll Audio Canada TICKETS FOR “LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BRIEN” CALL: (212) 664-3056 A Conaco, Broadway Video and NBC Studios production